Merry EX-Mas!

The editor of Singlemindedwomen.com asked me to write a piece about “surviving” the holidays as a single mom, and I wanted to share it with all of you who read this blog and who also happen to be single parents.

Counting this year, I will have celebrated 11 Thanksgivings and Christmases as a single mother. With a shared custody arrangement during the holidays, I have spent half of them with my children, half without.

What I found interesting when I was researching this single-parent topic online were the word choices being bandied about on various websites: “Surviving the holidays,” “Alone on Christmas,” “Coping with loss,” and my personal favorite, “Don’t worry, next year will be better.”

These so-called “helpful” holiday tips are enough to send any single parent spiraling into a depression.

See, the problem with all this survival wisdom is that it stems from a massive assumption that single parents are pitiful, helpless, lonely souls who, if not for these websites to help offset all the suffering, would be decking the halls with homemade nooses.

So I’m going to suggest something completely radical for this supposed sad-sap story about poor, old single parents “surviving” the holidays and suggest that we “celebrate” them, instead, because – NEWSFLASH! – we are in much happier places now, aren’t we?

With a respectful nod to widows or widowers, the alternative to being a single parent, in many cases, would have been to remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship with a former partner or spouse, right? That is certainly not the makings for a joyful holiday or a happy home in which to raise your children, if you ask me.

Yes, we have chosen to be single parents – BUT FOR GOOD REASON! And I think it is important, on occasion, to remind ourselves WHY we no longer have spouses to begin with before we RSVP for that holiday pity party:

The top five reasons people get a divorce.
(Source: Divorcemagazine.com)

If any of these scenarios rings a Christmas – rather, a liberty -- bell, then I invite you to CELEBRATE the brave, new world you have discovered as a single parent. After all, if you’re like me, it took you far too long to get here:

1. Infidelity: He’s a cheater, she’s a cheater. Remember how painful that was, to wonder where he was, why she was late, who he was talking to in the back of the house on his cell phone? You and your children were betrayed by someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place. It was difficult to do, but you divorced him or her and you moved on. Isn’t life without a cheater in your home much less crazy now?

2. Communication problems: It never failed, no matter what you said, he took it the wrong way. Sometimes it was as though you were speaking two different languages, which always lead to one big fight. You tried everything you could to get on the same page, even counseling. But in the end, it always came down to one thing: He never understood you, nor you him. Funny thing though, after the divorce, communication improved 100%, especially in matters that concern your children. And that’s what really counts, isn’t it?

3. Incompatibility: He was so sexy in the beginning, and you had GREAT chemistry which resulted in mind-blowing sex – and children. But once all the passion simmered down and you settled into marriage and your respective parenting roles, you realized that you were different on so many levels. You tried to be the person he wanted you to be, but that whole square-peg-in-a-round-hole thing wasn’t working. Now that you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, you’re free to live a more authentic life.

4. Emotional or physical abuse: You always said that if he hit you one more time, it would be the last time. But you stayed for five years beyond that. He continued to hit you and call you names, and worst of all, the children bore witness to it all. One day, you finally mustered the courage to leave because you realized it was the only shot at happiness for you and your children. And you haven’t looked back since.

5. Drug or alcohol addiction: You knew that he smoked pot every now and then, or that she got tipsy on occasion. But what you found out later was that he became addicted to cocaine and blew through the family savings; or that she started drinking in the morning while the kids were at school, and by the time that got home, she was completely bombed and unable to care for them. After years of rehab and relapses, you and your children simply couldn’t take it anymore.


So, about those survival tips . . .

If you’re a single parent, you’ve been through the worst already. You’ve already “survived.” You’re on the other side of that mountain now, the side that offers up beautiful, colorful, panoramic views of life. Unimaginable happiness is possible for you, and it all starts between your ears.

When you find yourself getting sad this Christmas, take a reality check and remind yourself what life was like when you were married to someone who was so wrong for you. In your head, you may think you miss your ex. But what you really miss is the IDEA of having the perfect spouse and the white-picket-fence family. You’re sad because that dream is gone, not because the ex isn’t around anymore.

As for the holiday “survival tips,” it’s really very simple. If you have your children for Christmas, then laugh and love and sing and dance and party and exchange gifts to your heart’s content. If you don’t have your children, do the very same thing with family and friends.

Christmas is just one calendar day out of the year. So what if you don’t have your children on the 25th? When you get them back on the 26th or 27th, have all your Christmas festivities then. The holiday police won’t care.

Every other Christmas, when my daughters are with their father, I recite this soothing mantra: “Christmas is the time to be with the people you love. And the people I love are with someone they love who I don’t love anymore. And that’s OK with me.”

Now please pass the eggnog.

Mom To The Rescue!

In August, my two daughters and I left Orange County, California, where I lived for 23 years, and moved up to a quiet, small town in Northern California. I wrestled with my consicence countless nights, wondering if I was doing the right thing, whether it was fair to my daughters to uproot them from a place that they called home all their lives, a place where they both had a gaggle of good friends.

I was especially concerned about moving my teenager, who was on the brink of turning 16 and would be a junior in high school. Would she be able to adapt and make new friends?

As we come toward the end of this year, which has been a crazy one, to say the least, I look back and realize that I did the right thing by moving up here with my children. Not only are we surrounded by my extended family, but my teenager told me something the other day that gave me a renewed appreciation for our new home.

She told me that a number of the kids that she hung out with in Orange County, girls who she had known since middle school, are now into drinking and drugs, and a few of them are sleeping around with boys. This was my daughter's pack! Her she-wolves. The girls she spent the night with, met at the mall and sunbathed next to on the beach. Girls who had a tremendous influence on her in her adolescent years.

I have to wonder: Had we stayed down in Southern California, would my teenager be involved in the same "extracurricular" activities? Hard to say. I'd like to think that I infused some morals and ethics into her, that given the choice between doing drugs and not doing them, that she would choose to say, "No, thanks." But peer groups can make a powerful impact on teenagers. I'm really not sure what the outcome would have been.

Yes, teens are pretty much the same everywhere. Drugs, drinking, sex and rude behavior are part of the teen culture no matter where you live. But trust me, the kids up here are A LOT nicer, a little more naiive and way more wholesome. And that's just fine with me. There are plenty of years ahead for her to be tempted by these vices. No need to rush into it. She's only 16, and there's nothing wrong with her holding onto her innocence a little bit longer.

As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't a move we made back in August. It was a rescue.

Thong-Challenged

This is the season to celebrate your favorite things. Well, I found out today that I have a new UNFAVORITE thing.

My teenager told me she needs new underwear for Christmas. Thongs, she requested. You know, those tiny, torturous, sling-shot-things that now pass as underwear. I am quite convinced they were invented by a man because they are very sexy, yes, but so darn uncomfortable. You may as well walk around with a piece of toilet paper stuck in your rear, because that's how it feels. I don't think God meant for anything to go in that cavernous space, so for me, thongs are downright unnatural.

But . . . just about every young girl wears them. So, the aim-to-please-Santa that I am, I went thong-shopping today for my teenager at PINK, the sister store to Victoria's Secret aimed at the 16- to 25-year-old set. And I discovered that the only thing worse than shopping for bras and panties for myself, is shopping for these unmentionables for my teenage daughter.

It took me 45 minutes to pick out five pairs of thongs that kinda-sorta passed the mom test, ones that didn't send the message that I would like to see my daughter wearing these on a stripper pole real soon. I bought one with a cupcake on it, and one that resembled the one in the picture above. Still sort of "sweet," without being skanky.

It's a fine line between mothering and pimping to buy your daughter's thongs. Believe me, this is one outfit I don't expect her to model for me on Christmas morning.

Oh, Cheer Up!

Are you a single parent, like me, who dreads the holidays because you always feel so ALONE?? Well, stop feeling that way. It's time to move past all that ancient history. I've written a great pep talk for you at Singlemindedwomen.com, where I am a contributing editor.
Click here for some holiday cheer.

WHAT Global Warming??

I know for sure that the scientists really did fudge all that data in the global warming study, because when my daughters and I woke up this morning, we got a wonderful surprise. Overnight it had snowed! I know this is no big deal to many of you who live in snow country, but you have to understand that it NEVER snows in this part of Northern California.

Well, not NEVER. But RARELY. In fact, the last time it ever snowed here was back in 1976, when I was in high school. And the time before that was way back in 1888. So, yeah, snow on the ground here is a total fluke.

We were so excited! We made hot chocolate and pulled back the curtains looking out into our backyard so that we could look at the white grass while sucking on our morning cereal. Pretty thrilling for a few transplants from Southern California!

Last week, I dragged my boxed Christmas tree to the backyard to fumigate it. I found a Black Widow spider in it and was worried that she had laid eggs inside some of the branches. This was one blessed birth that I didn't want to celebrate on Christmas morning, especially right there in my living room, so upon the advice of my exterminator, I threw a flea bomb in the box and let it air out for a few days. Then a few more days passed, and then a couple more because I was too lazy to bring the tree in and decorate it. Last night, it snowed on top of the box, so now I have a fake tree with real snow on it, which is usually the opposite of what most people get -- a real tree flocked with that fake, clumpy, sticky white stuff.

This white stuff, my friends, is the REAL thing!