My Teen, The Alien

She Got Her Driver's License, And I'm Never Going To Sleep Again!

2010-07-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

My teenager grew a wing today. She passed her driving test with flying colors. Well, maybe "flying" isn't the best choice of words when we're talking about driving, but she's well on her way to a whole new world.

In my view, she really wasn't ready to take her test. She has driven on the freeway only twice, and about three times at night. She still has some issues changing lanes. Tends to take her eyes off the road for too long while she's looking over her shoulder to merge. Scares the hell out of me. She probably would have crashed by now if I hadn't rescued her with all my screaming.

I knew this day was coming, but I stuffed my true feelings deep down in the Land of Denial until the very end. Last night, I told her that I didn't want her to take the test because she needed more practice. She broke down in tears, and blubbered something about how behind she felt with all her peers. Most of her friends have their licenses already. She's a young 16. Her 17th birthday isn't until September, so she feels younger than her friends because she really is.

I felt badly. Really , I did. I don't want my daughter to feel "held back." I want her to grow and blossom and soar to new heights and feel like she can conquer the world and . . . sorry, I ran out of tired expressions. But I also don't want her to die in a car crash because she really isn't ready to drive.

Once I waded through all her tears, I managed to get to the heart of her disappointment. All she wanted, she explained, was to start her senior year being able to announce to her friends, "I finally got my license!" That's it. Bragging rights was her end goal.

So we struck a deal. I told her she could test for her license today, but I wasn't going to let her take the car out, alone, until she and I did some hard-core driving practice for six months. Time to play catch-up. All those times I should have been letting her drive, instead of stubbornly taking the wheel myself, have caught up with us.

I see now that it was advantageous to both of us to have allowed her more time behind the wheel these last six months. My advice to parents? Once your teens get their permits, let them dirve with you as much as possible. Counsel, guide, coach, and yes, scream if you have to -- every opportunity you get because the day will come, like it did for me, when your teen will be ready to sprout her wings. All too soon. And you'll want those wings to be as crash-proof as possible.

We also have an understanding that as soon as she is ready to go solo, I will be installing that new device called "iZUP" in the car, that disables car phones when the car is in motion so that she can't text or take a call while she's driving.

I think "iZUP" should be installed in every single car that rolls off the assembly line. Standard equipment, it should be.

Honey, if you're reading this, I'm proud of you. Excited for you. And worried sick, too. Hey, I'm your mom. What do you expect?

Lance Orton, The Times Square Hero

2010-07-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

We can probably all agree that it’s the people you meet along the way that make life – and vacations – really interesting. My daughters and I vacationed in New York City this summer, and while we met some very memorable characters, the highlight of our trip was meeting Lance Orton, the Vietnam veteran-turned-hero who stopped the Times Square bombing by alerting police to suspicious smoke coming out of an SUV that was parked alongside his T-shirt stand. (Watch the video.)

We didn’t plan on meeting Lance. But like Lance, who was at the right place at the right time when a Muslim terrorist tried to blow up Times Square with a failed bomb attempt, we happened to stumble on his T-shirt stand. We actually walked past it, and then my teenager said, “You know, I’d really like to get an ‘I Love NY” T-shirt. Can we go back, Mom?”

“Oh, all right.” Just what I wanted to do – spend MORE money in New York City!

So we’re fishing through these T-shirts, and it dawned on me that we were close to where this incident happened a few weeks ago, if I remembered the news clips correctly. So I asked the T-shirt guy, “Hey, do you know the man who saved Times Square from that bomb?”

And he said, “I am that man.”

Well, this was unexpected! So of course I got all starry-eyed, or pretended to, because I think it was expected of me, and I spoke with an excited shrill, “Girls! This is the Time Square Hero! If it weren’t for him, we’d be standing in what used to be Times Square!”

Then I made a grave error, something Lance may never forgive me for. I asked, “What’s your name?”

He gave me a look like, “How could you NOT know my name? I am the talk of the town! No, of the world! They’re naming airports after me, for God’s sake.”

I apologized. I mean, really, what rock have I been hiding under, right? Even so, he still agreed to pose for a picture with my daughters. Grudgingly, at first, because he said he was tired of all the media attention. I assured him that I was just a single mom traveling with her daughters, and we would be honored to have a picture taken with him.

Of course, I left out the fact that I was a blogger. I just didn’t want to get old Lance all riled up again. He’d been through a lot, already.

New Yorkers Are MUCH Nicer Than Bostonians!

2010-06-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

You hear it all the time – especially if you’re from California: People from New York are whiney and rude!

I am here to tell you, as a true-blue Californian who recently traveled to New York for summer vacation with my two daughters, that this stereotype is not even close to being true.

Quite the opposite. I found New Yorkers to be some of the nicest, friendliest, most helpful people I have ever met. They smiled, they small-talked with us, they gave us directions and on one particular occasion, when I must have really looked like a lost, pathetic tourist, this woman walking very swiftly on Wall Street actually took time out of what was probably a very bad day for the stock market to stop and ask me if I needed any help. I didn’t even have to ask . . . she KNEW!

I would like to officially apologize for every Californian who has ever perpetuated that unfair stereotype of nasty New Yorkers.

What I love about New Yorkers is that they are who they are. No pretenses. Yeah, they’re in a big hurry most of the time, and maybe that’s why they are so REAL: There’s no time for B.S. There’s a big, bustling city they have to keep in perpetual motion.

Bostonians on the other hand . . . not so nice. A little too aloof and uptight, in my opinion. Maybe it’s the puritanical roots that they haven’t been able to shake. Whatever the reason, within five minutes of getting off the subway from the Amtrak station, I sensed a personality clash between me and Boston.

So, picture this. My daughters and I are dragging our heavy suitcases down two flights of subway stairs to catch the Green Line to Brookline, a nearby suburb where our hotel was located. My daughters are on one side of the stairwell, and I moved to the other side, the left side, because I was worried that if I lost my grip on this heavy bag, it would careen into them and knock them down. It was THAT overpacked! And at the time, there was no one else on the stairwell but us.

Little did I know that there is an unspoken subway protocol in Boston, whereby you are supposed to walk down on the right side, and walk up on the left. Everything is so PROPER here. So I’m struggling with my bag, and suddenly the stairwell fills up with people who had just jumped off the subway. One by one, they brush right past me without a glance or an offer to help. Big, youthful, muscular Bostonians who could have lent a hand, but didn’t. It’s like I was invisible or something.

Instead, this loud-mouthed BLEEP-BLEEP bounded past me and started screaming, “Nice, Lady! Real courteous of you to block the stairwell so no one can walk up!”

I said, a little out of breath, “Excuse me???”

He screamed louder, “You heard me, Lady! How rude of you to be on that side! Can’t you see that people are trying to get past you?” Try to imagine a Kennedy screaming at you, because that is exactly how he sounded. This man was so inappropriately angry, in fact, that I had to wonder if the Red Sox had just lost a game or something.

So, being the smart-ass, free-spirited Californian that I am who despises obnoxious, rude jerks, like this guy, I screamed back: “Yeah?? And how rude of YOU to be screaming at ME! Welcome to Boston, HUH!??”

I could hardly wait to see the rest of this welcoming city.

Hello, Summer!

2010-06-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

This morning, I got a text from my 16-year-old daughter: "I just took my last final! You own me a mani and a pedi!" Today is the last day of school for both my daughters.

The temptation to "check out" of school earlier, however, happened about two weeks ago. To keep their momentum going of staying focused on school, I did what any smart, hands-on parent would do: I bribed them. And it worked, because my teenager aced her finals. I'll be dialing up the nail salon right after I post this e-mail.

A few months ago, we weren't sure where to go for our summer vacation. Unlike vacations in the past, this year is an important one, as it will most likely be the last summer trip that we take together as the Three Muskateers. Next summer, my oldest daughter will be graduating from high school (I tear up just thinking about it!) and running off to Greece with her best friend. Her life with mom and baby sister will be history.

Yep, this year is an important vacation for us. We were booked on the European Disney Cruise for a year and a half, but pulled out at the last minute because I realized that once on board, I really wouldn't be spending much time with my daughters since they usually make fast friends and I never see them, except at dinner and when we turn in for the night. That's no way to spend our last vacation together.

Mexico would have been fun . . . a few years ago. Now with all the kidnappings going on, there is no way in HELL I would ever travel there. Not even to Tijuana! I don't care how many free trips are waved under my nose. Being grabbed by the drug lords and held for ransom is not my idea of a good time. And it would probably be a very extended vacation, as I'm not sure anyone would pay for my release.

So we're going to New York City and Boston. It's a smart decision, really. Not many kidnappings happening over there. My teenager is considering Boston University as a college choice, and she wants to check out the campus, so I thought it would be brilliant and very economical if we combined our summer vacation with a college tour. Of course we'll be catching a Broadyway show, too, in New York. "The Addams Family." It will be nice to be entertained by another dysfunctional family for a change.

Planes, trains, subways, ferries and lots of walking. That's how the three of us plan to spend our last summer vacation together.

I Crashed My Teen's Prom

2010-04-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

One day my oldest daughter is making me a macaroni necklace for Mother’s Day and the next thing I know, I’m clasping a faux-diamond necklace around her neck for the Prom. Where did the years go, besides to my hips, butt and gut?

So this past weekend, my teenager attended her Junior Prom. As you can imagine from the photo I posted of her dress, she looked like a princess. (Have you ever seen a more beautiful gown?!) What was so cool about this dress is that no one else had it. It was last year’s model, hanging on a sales rack, just waiting for my daughter to claim it in the one and only size that happened to be hers.

We're talking Fate, here.

My daughter didn’t go to Prom with a boy. (And I can’t tell you what tremendous peace of mind that is going to give me nine months from now!) But instead of opting out of this age-defining event because there really wasn’t any boy she wanted to go with, she asked her best friend from Orange County to be her date. (I like that girls today can do that with complete confidence and no fear of backlash. And while I know it is a double standard, it would be really ODD if boys did the same thing, wouldn’t it?)

Tania, bless her heart, flew up here to Northern California on Friday. She stepped off the plane with a smallish suitcase, and no hang-bag. “Where’s her dress?” I wondered. We learned later that she had stuffed her gorgeous, transformative Prom gown into that little suitcase. I was concerned about the wrinkles, but Tania assured me that the wrinkles would work their way out on the hangar. (She was right!)

They woke up Saturday morning like it was their wedding day – full of excited energy for the evening to come, and talking about their hair and nail appointments they had scheduled that day.

I videotaped them getting ready, much to the annoyance of my teenager. Someday, she'll thank me. We took pictures, and then I drove them both to the dinner and dance, which was being held at their high school. A group of selfless parents had been working on this Prom for months, and earlier that day, had transformed the gym into a scene from Arabian Nights. They had created Middle Eastern magic, and it was an incredible sight, belly dancers and all.

Instead of leaving and going home, like I normally would after dropping her off at a dance, I stayed because I had volunteered to help the caterer serve dinner to the kids. My daughter was MORTIFIED! When she found out that I was going to be at the Prom, she said, “Don’t you EVER do that again, Mom!”

I understood where she was coming from, but I was a little hurt. I mean, who wouldn’t want their mother at their Junior Prom? I think I won back a few points when I promised her that I would keep my distance and not yell, “Hi, Honey!” from across the room.

I kept my promise, but I will admit that my eyes often sought her out in the crowd while I was clearing dishes off tables. She will never know how long I stared at her from the shadows of an Arabian Night, my beautiful vision of a daughter, laughing and dancing with her friends like a fairy nymph, her gold shoes that I had spent so much time trying to find around town, kicked off and nowhere in sight.

She will never know how full my heart was that night, and how the mental picture of her so young and happy and carefree, in love with life and so grateful that her best friend from Orange County was by her side, will be a memory that I will call upon often when she leaves my home next year and heads off to college.

Yes, I crashed my daughter’s Junior Prom. But in the end, I got what I came for.

Twitter Travel Party Tonight!

2010-04-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

There's nothing really worth watching on TV tonight. No need to look. I already did. But your Monday evening doesn't have to be a total bust. If you're like me, you have your mind on summer vacation and are wondering where the heck you're going to take the family this year, right?

You'll find some GREAT ideas from other moms at TravelingMom.com's FIRST-EVER Twitter party! We'll be chatting for an hour about everyone's favorite topic - TRAVEL! Specifically, we'll cover fun themes like "How To Get Great Travel Deals" and "Relaxing on Vacation," plus doing TONS of fun giveaways!

Please, join us from 9:30-10:30 EASTERN STANDARD TIME . . . TONIGHT . . . to pick up some awesome travel tips and ideas for your family's summer vacation.

Here's the link: http://tinyurl.com/ye97azc

Baby Sister Tells All

2010-03-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what it's like to live with a teenager -- from a younger sister's point of view? I finally got my tween to sit down and tell us a little bit about life with her older sister. Please welcome my guest blogger today -- my youngest daughter, a teenager-in-training:

Living with a teenaged sister. Oh, boy. Where do I even begin?

I guess I could start with the good side of it. It’s really great to have somebody to look up to and to talk to when you need advice, because you know for sure that they already went through it. She understands me because we are alike in many ways.

We laugh at a lot of the same things, like the same things and of course dislike many of the same things. She also gives me tips on how to not only survive, but thrive, at school, which really helps instead of going into school totally clueless on how to act or what to do. Which is great.

But do we argue? Does the sun rise in the morning? Is grass green? Well, yes, OF COURSE we fight! It’s always about the dumbest things. Like, “Hey, why’d you borrow my shirt without asking?” or “Hello? I was watching that! Change it back!” Stupid stuff like that.

But for the most part, it’s pretty cool to have someone to be able to talk to and to look up to. She’s going to college next year, and I will miss her. But don’t you dare tell her that!

How To Stop Teens From Texting While Driving

2010-02-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

I just read about something that I think will put a lot of parents at ease. It's a new application for cell phones that won't allow you to text when you're in a car that is moving 5 mph or more. (Read here.)

The application is called iZup (Get it? Keep your "eyes up!"), and although many adults should probably install this app on their phones, it was really created for teenagers by a mother in Boston who was scared to death about her teenager getting distracted by texting while driving. (You rock, whoever you are!)

Let's face it, teens and driving don't always mix as it is. And when you add text messaging to that formula, well, the combination can be deadly.

My teenager is a few short weeks away from taking the wheel of my car. I plan to download this super-brilliant iZup application to her phone as a sort of "Welcome to the world of driving" gift.

I already gave her the gift of life. So I guess I'll be re-gifting.

Photo by Dan Gill for The New York Times

Miss Independence

2010-02-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Every morning, I roll out of bed like a good little trained mommy and head to the kitchen to make breakfast for my daughters before they rush off to school. Making sure they start the day with a nutritious meal (well, sometimes I make pancakes) is important to me, always has been, ever since they were young enough to nipple-feed.

I usually make their school lunches, too, right after the milk is poured, unless they’re buying that day.

Yep, preparing meals for our children is what good mothers do. But on the way to school today, my teenager shocked me. “Mom,” she announced, “I want to start making my own breakfast. And lunch, too.”

What’s going on here? Lately, she has really been thinking seriously about her future. And I like that. She’s only a junior, but she talks about college all the time and how she can’t wait to be on her own. Out of nowhere, she started getting A+’s. Not just A’s, but grades in the 100+ percentiles. Now, if you knew this text-messaging, iTunes-obsessed, MTV-watching girl like I do, you’d swear that she must be channeling someone else’s spirit. Someone who died at Harvard. Or Princeton.

In the car this morning, she told me that she wants to start doing more things for herself, like making her own breakfast, because she wants to feel more independent. She said she’s going to be leaving soon for college, and she needs to know how to take care of herself.

Isn’t this the moment every parent dreams of, the one that was first hatched somewhere between all the diaper changes and butt-wiping? “Gosh, I can’t wait until this child can take care of herself one day!”

That moment has arrived, folks -- all too soon, I might add. As I turn in for the night, I will happily change the settings on my alarm clock. Since I won't have to get up up bright and early to make breakfast anymore, I'll get to sleep in an extra half hour tomorrow. It will feel like an early Christmas.

But for my teenager, tomorrow will be more like Independence Day.

Photo by Photographer Chuck Felix

And She's OFF!!

2010-01-31T10:55:00.001-08:00

The dreaded day has come. The driving instructor came knocking on our door this morning at 10:05, and after 15 minutes of instructions at the curb, my first-born daughter accelerated off into the dark unknown. OK, maybe I'm being a little dramatic. It was bright daylight. But for all you parents of teens or soon-to-be teens who think that you have all kinds of time before you have to worry about your children driving, well, you don't.

If you read my blog at all, you know that my teenager driving is my worst nightmare. Something I've been stressing over for the past year or so. Why? Well, it might have something to do with the fact that car accidents are the leading cause of death for kids ages 16-19.

I should relax and trust the process a little more. Driving laws are a lot tougher now. Ever since they enacted the Graduated Driver's License Law in California in 1998, the first state in this country to do so, traffic fatalities in teenagers have been reduced significantly. In the first two years after passage of the law, teen passengers killed and injured in crashes involving 16-year-old drivers decreased by 40 percent in this state.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I should remember that I was sitting where she was once, A VERY LONG TIME AGO. And look at me . . . I've stayed alive long enough to be able to write neurotic posts about how scary it is for teenagers to be driving. Truth be told, I think my teenager is already a safer, more cautious driver than I was when I was 16. The first day I got my license, I ran a motorcyclist off the road because I didn't know that he had the same rights to the road as cars. I could have SWORN that I read in the driver's manual that motorcyclists were supposed to drive in the bike lane. They ARE bikes, right?

It's been about an hour since my daughter pulled away from the curb. My cell phone hasn't rung and I haven't heard any sirens off in the distance. So far, so good. I feel a little more relaxed, I guess. Writing this post has helped. And I keep hearing what my oldest sister said, "Lynn, you're going to have to let her grow up sometime."

Now I can move on to my next neurotic episode . . . buying more car insurance so she can practice driving with me.

Return Of The Bad-Luck BFF

2010-01-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Hello, again . . . been MIA for a while in accordance with some of my top New Year’s resolutions: Get off my butt, move my body around more, and instead of blogging so much about life, actually get out there and enjoy a little of it.

But I’m back on my butt, where it feels oh-so-comfortable, to talk about a few teen things. Over the holidays, my 16-year-old daughter’s friend from Wisconsin came out to visit us. Again. (But this time in NorCal instead of SoCal.) They’re good buddies. They met on the Disney Cruise last year, talk regularly on the phone, text nearly daily and have seen each other three times since the cruise. Did I mention this friend is a “he?” Chris is his name. VERY nice boy, respectful, comes from hard-working, family-centered, honest parents. You know, the kind of people you’d meet on a Disney Cruise.

Now, some of you might think it’s inappropriate to allow a teenaged boy to fly all the way out to the Left Coast – alone! -- to visit my teenaged daughter for a week, especially given the fact that we live in an all-female home, with no man around to intimidate a 16-year-old boy who might have “other’ things on his mind. (In case you’re wondering about the sleeping arrangements: Chris slept in my daughter’s room, she slept with me, and I slept with one eye open.)

With or without a dad in the house, Chris being here felt so right to me. There is NOTHING but friendship between them, trust me. They didn’t even kiss on New Year’s Eve. She’s been telling me all along, “Mom, Chris is my best friend.” And after observing them for a week, I see what she means. Those two really have a very special, NON-SEXUAL bond between them. They talk. They laugh. They kid each other. They lie around on her bed like two BFFs, shoes kicked off, sharing a bag of chips and pictures from their cell phones.

I can’t help but wonder that had I spent time building a similar friendship with my ex-husband, we might still be married. Nope, we were too eager to jump all over each other, and look how that ended.

Anyway, Chris’ visit wasn’t without its mishaps. Again. When he came out to visit us last year in Orange County, he fell ill and spent the entire weekend on my couch. His mom called it The Wisconsin Plague ( http://tinyurl.com/y886x9m). This trip, the dark cloud hovered once again. First off, his plane was delayed out of Milwaukee and he almost missed his connecting flight. Had he sprinted to the gate 10 minutes later, out of breath and in dire need of the asthma inhaler he forgot to pack, he would have had to spend the entire night in the Houston airport. Thankfully, he made it in time. But it was a nail-biter, let me tell you.

While we did enjoy a lovely daytrip to San Francisco one day, the flu came knocking on our door once again, only this time it hit all of us, starting with my youngest daughter. (I really don’t think you’ve earned your parenting stripes until you’ve cleaned up your child’s vomit.)

Between flu days, my daughters and Chris were well enough to go jump on some trampolines at a local hotspot. That’s where Chris fell hard, hitting his head and causing a massive nosebleed. We spent the evening on Concussion Watch. The next day, I was cleaning up my daughter’s room and tripped over Chris’ suitcase, landing hard on my tailbone, where I am now sporting a rather beautiful purple bruise.

It’s probably a good thing that my teeanged daughter caught the flu the day we were supposed to go skiing in Lake Tahoe. I shudder to think what might have happened to Chris on the slippery slopes with that bad-luck cloud following him.

Debate Over Teen Pregnancy

2010-01-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

After posting Tricia Goyer's take on how to cut down on teen pregnancies, I received a request from a reader named Rick Machado, another expert on teen pregnancy, who asked if he could write a rebuttal to Tricia's post because of some apparent inconsistencies that he cites in it. I love a good, healthy debate. So take it away, Rick . . .

Ms. Goyer writes an article that is like thousands of other articles written today about teen pregnancy, They concentrate heavily on the morals, values and scruples of the teen. They lay heavily on the stance of abstinence. They work to "frighten" the teen into delaying sex because of the risk of "protected sex". They are quick to point out the failure rate of contraception. They warn that it could happen to "good girls". They associate teen pregnancy with sex. They demonize the media. They encourage chastity and "purity." Ms. Goyer even goes further to say that having heterosexual, monogamous sex in a marraige will show"integrity", and thus help "curb" teen pregnancy, something that is a first for me. Then what about single moms, single dads? Gay couples?

First, we use the teen birth rate (TBR), not "teen pregnancy." We seldom use the teen pregnancy rate (TPR) because it is wildly inaccurate, mostly because of legalized abortion. And we don't use totals - they mean nothing without context. A million births? So what? Compared to what?

Second, The National Center for Health points out that between 2005-2006, there were 435,000 births to teens. The TBR was at 41.6. The latest figures I have show a slight uptick in the TBR to 41.9. That puts total teen pregnancies at about 750,000, and if that's "nearly a million", then the earth is flat. It's also nearly half a million. An "expert" should really be more precise.

Third, putting our time and money into making the teen more responsible has no bearing on the TBR. Nor do all of the other "ways" to "curb " teen pregnancy she mentions. Lectures on chastity, purity, waiting, and guilt, none of these having anything to do with lowering the TBR. The TBR has nothing to do with contraception, sex, teen morals, values, the media, or any of her points.

Perhaps what is most damaging in Ms. Goyer's article is her warning to "good girls." If there are "good girls," then there must be "bad" girls. She may as well have said, "We know bad girls get pregnant because they don't have an important dad, and get poor grades! But, hey, it can happen to you too." Why do only "good" girls get the warning? This class bigotry shows ignorance, and should outrage everyone.

There are 10 dynamics behind the teen birth rate. Each dynamic has data, not speculation, not supposition. Each carries its own weight, each interlocks, each is exponential in its affect of the teens, and society as a whole.

1. The Adult Birth Rate: Teens follow the ABR almost lockstep, and have since the 40's. Sarah Palin pregnant in July 2007, delivers April 2008. Bristol Palin pregnant March 2008, delivers December 2008. That's just one example of many.

2. Poverty: Between 70 and 85% of pregnant teens come from poverty, including emotional poverty, like Jamie Lynn Spears. . Being pregnant doesn't cause poverty, as Kristen Luker points out. Being poor causes women to bear children earlier. Today's poverty rate is our TBR in 10 years.

Here's a chart I made for a talk I gave last year at a high school.

92694 104K, less than 1%
92555 62K, 9%
92557 54K, 10%
92551 49K, 11%
92553 38K, 15%
92570 32K, 17%
93702 21K, 20%

The first number is the zip code of various towns in Calif, my home state, including the zip code of the school I was speaking at. . The second is mean income per family, the third number, the percentage of births to teens.

3. Sex Abuse: Between 66% and 80% of pregnant teens have been sexually abused, or forced into early sexualization, and that's just the ones reported and caught. Teen pregnancy and sex abuse go hand in hand. See the chart above? Look at zip code 92570. It has a sex abuse per capita rate at 1-225, 4 times higher than the state average of 1-1100. Oh, and Bristol Palin? Juneau Alaska has a sex abuse rate per capita of 1-303, one of the highest in the nation.

4. Violent, chaotic households: A Washington study found of pregnant teens, that:

66% sexually are abused
44% are raped
49% are hit with belt or strap
31% are hit with sticks
26% are thrown against walls
5% are burned
Overall, 70% had been physically or sexually abused.

5. Economic attraction to older males: About 80% of all teens are impregnanted by adult men. Average age for her 15.3 pregnant, delivers at 16. Average age for him, 21.5.

6. Lack of reproductive health care as an unpregnant female: The health care situation may change, but it is a complete failure for the young and poor. Michelle Bachelet, president of Chile, on her first day in office stipulated free contraception for everyone, noting" Our country will crumble when our young get pregnant early".(paraphrasing)

7. Educational failure: There is no greater show of cowardice than the abdication of our schools in teaching about sexuality. Abstinence, a horrific and shameful failure, shows how much we hate our young. We make them fear sex, a gift they will spend the rest of their life engaging in. The rate of pregnancy when contraceptives are used correctly, and the STD rate when contraceptives are used correctly is miniscule compared to the dangers of teen driving, living in a high crime areas, prescription drugs, and keeping firearms in the home.

8. Lack of competing choices: Helen Benedict (The Lonely Soldier) points out that half of all enlistees in our entire Armed Services joined to escape both physical and sexual abuse. The jobs are gone, college is not affordable, high schools are broke, towns are crumbling, families are broken, and increasingly homeless. A pregnancy looks good to a girl in these situations.

9. Male abandonment: Eighty-five percent of all men leave the pregnant teen. This is what causes her poverty, not the fact she got pregnant.

10. The uncomfortable but true fact that having a child as a teen is often a good choice: The sex abuse stops. She gets health care denied as an unpregnant girl. She has someone to love. She has purpose. If this makes you uncomfortable, then put Ms. Goyer and rest of the adult-dominated society in front of the mirror, not the teen.

Teen Pregnancy is an adult problem, not a teen problem, and it has been forever. Adults created it, adults drive it, and adults are the only ones who can fix it. Ms. Goyer writes an absurd, ludicrous article. It is designed to pad her resume, perpetuate the status quo, hold teens down and keep adults blameless.

Faye Waddleton said it best- "If you want to keep a teen from getting pregnant, don't give her a condom. Give her a better future."

My stats come from all over:

Mike Males- Scapegoat Generation
Kristen Luker- Dubious Conceptions
Judith Musick- Young, Poor and Pregnant
Allan Guttmacher Inst.
League of Nations
Faye Waddleton, past pres. Planned Parenthood
CDC, and many more.

Many thanks to Lynn for providing this opportunity to speak.

Rick Machado
Public Speaker on Teen Pregnancy
http://www.machadofarms.com/

How To Curb Teen Pregnancy

2010-01-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Everyone! What better way for parents of teenagers to start out 2010 than with a little guidance to help keep our emerging young adults on the right path. I am pleased to bring you a wonderful guest post by Tricia Goyer, a renowned author, speaker and teen expert. Take it away, Tricia . . .

How many young women do you know having babies? I know many. Nearly 1 million teen girls get pregnant every year.

If you don’t want your daughter to be one of the 1 million teen girls who find themselves pregnant every year, consider this:

1. Be a Role Model. Our kids often follow where we lead. Consider your life. Are you living with integrity? Are you only having sex within the bounds of marriage? The saying, “Do what I say not what I do” never works.

2. Talk about what love is. Love is not sex. Going “all the way” with someone doesn’t prove your love. (No matter what they show on television.) True love is shown through life-long commitment and by valuing the other person. Remind teens that they are the one responsible for setting sexual limits on a relationship. Remind young women, “Sex won't make him yours. A baby won't make him stay.”

3. Remind kids it CAN happen to them. Having sex, even so called "protected" sex, can lead to pregnancy. It can happen even to kids from a good family. The only way to 100% prevent pregnancy is to not have sex.

4. Emphasize that even “good girls” get pregnant. Having a good report card, being a good person, having an important parent, or being conscientious will not protect you from pregnancy. According to teenpregnancy.org, one in three young women get pregnant at least once before they turn 20--good girls included.

5. Let your daughter know that most teens wished they had waited. Sex before marriage can not only lead to pregnancy, but there are other health concerns, such as STDs. There is also emotional baggage. According to teenpregnancy.org, 60% of teens “wished they had waited longer” to have sex.

6. Encourage your teen to plan her actions BEFORE the situation arises. Talk about set boundaries and not putting herself in situations that will cause her to compromise those decisions. Help her make good plans for her future and stick to goals.

7. Talk about media’s wrong messages. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Just because we see everyone in Hollywood having sex and having babies, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Babies are a responsibility, not a fashion accessory.

8. Encourage secondary purity. Teens can say “no” even if they’ve said "yes" before. Today your daughter can make the right choice and choose abstinence.

9. Realize parents can only do so much … but make sure it’s done! As a parent, you cannot be around your child 24/7. Yet, we can do our best to prepare our daughters. Don’t wait.

10. Let you kids know you are available to talk about every issue in life. It's also important for parents to open up a two way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Parents can do this by turning the above topics into questions such as: What are your boundaries? Do you think sex proves you love someone? What do you think of the messages media gives out?

Tricia Goyer is an author, speaker and Teen/Family Life Expert. Learn more about her at: www.triciagoyer.com.

Related articles by Zemanta

Merry EX-Mas!

2009-12-22T17:36:00.000-08:00

The editor of Singlemindedwomen.com asked me to write a piece about “surviving” the holidays as a single mom, and I wanted to share it with all of you who read this blog and who also happen to be single parents.

Counting this year, I will have celebrated 11 Thanksgivings and Christmases as a single mother. With a shared custody arrangement during the holidays, I have spent half of them with my children, half without.

What I found interesting when I was researching this single-parent topic online were the word choices being bandied about on various websites: “Surviving the holidays,” “Alone on Christmas,” “Coping with loss,” and my personal favorite, “Don’t worry, next year will be better.”

These so-called “helpful” holiday tips are enough to send any single parent spiraling into a depression.

See, the problem with all this survival wisdom is that it stems from a massive assumption that single parents are pitiful, helpless, lonely souls who, if not for these websites to help offset all the suffering, would be decking the halls with homemade nooses.

So I’m going to suggest something completely radical for this supposed sad-sap story about poor, old single parents “surviving” the holidays and suggest that we “celebrate” them, instead, because – NEWSFLASH! – we are in much happier places now, aren’t we?

With a respectful nod to widows or widowers, the alternative to being a single parent, in many cases, would have been to remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship with a former partner or spouse, right? That is certainly not the makings for a joyful holiday or a happy home in which to raise your children, if you ask me.

Yes, we have chosen to be single parents – BUT FOR GOOD REASON! And I think it is important, on occasion, to remind ourselves WHY we no longer have spouses to begin with before we RSVP for that holiday pity party:

The top five reasons people get a divorce.
(Source: Divorcemagazine.com)

If any of these scenarios rings a Christmas – rather, a liberty -- bell, then I invite you to CELEBRATE the brave, new world you have discovered as a single parent. After all, if you’re like me, it took you far too long to get here:

1. Infidelity: He’s a cheater, she’s a cheater. Remember how painful that was, to wonder where he was, why she was late, who he was talking to in the back of the house on his cell phone? You and your children were betrayed by someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place. It was difficult to do, but you divorced him or her and you moved on. Isn’t life without a cheater in your home much less crazy now?

2. Communication problems: It never failed, no matter what you said, he took it the wrong way. Sometimes it was as though you were speaking two different languages, which always lead to one big fight. You tried everything you could to get on the same page, even counseling. But in the end, it always came down to one thing: He never understood you, nor you him. Funny thing though, after the divorce, communication improved 100%, especially in matters that concern your children. And that’s what really counts, isn’t it?

3. Incompatibility: He was so sexy in the beginning, and you had GREAT chemistry which resulted in mind-blowing sex – and children. But once all the passion simmered down and you settled into marriage and your respective parenting roles, you realized that you were different on so many levels. You tried to be the person he wanted you to be, but that whole square-peg-in-a-round-hole thing wasn’t working. Now that you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, you’re free to live a more authentic life.

4. Emotional or physical abuse: You always said that if he hit you one more time, it would be the last time. But you stayed for five years beyond that. He continued to hit you and call you names, and worst of all, the children bore witness to it all. One day, you finally mustered the courage to leave because you realized it was the only shot at happiness for you and your children. And you haven’t looked back since.

5. Drug or alcohol addiction: You knew that he smoked pot every now and then, or that she got tipsy on occasion. But what you found out later was that he became addicted to cocaine and blew through the family savings; or that she started drinking in the morning while the kids were at school, and by the time that got home, she was completely bombed and unable to care for them. After years of rehab and relapses, you and your children simply couldn’t take it anymore.

So, about those survival tips . . .

If you’re a single parent, you’ve been through the worst already. You’ve already “survived.” You’re on the other side of that mountain now, the side that offers up beautiful, colorful, panoramic views of life. Unimaginable happiness is possible for you, and it all starts between your ears.

When you find yourself getting sad this Christmas, take a reality check and remind yourself what life was like when you were married to someone who was so wrong for you. In your head, you may think you miss your ex. But what you really miss is the IDEA of having the perfect spouse and the white-picket-fence family. You’re sad because that dream is gone, not because the ex isn’t around anymore.

As for the holiday “survival tips,” it’s really very simple. If you have your children for Christmas, then laugh and love and sing and dance and party and exchange gifts to your heart’s content. If you don’t have your children, do the very same thing with family and friends.

Christmas is just one calendar day out of the year. So what if you don’t have your children on the 25th? When you get them back on the 26th or 27th, have all your Christmas festivities then. The holiday police won’t care.

Every other Christmas, when my daughters are with their father, I recite this soothing mantra: “Christmas is the time to be with the people you love. And the people I love are with someone they love who I don’t love anymore. And that’s OK with me.”

Now please pass the eggnog.

Mom To The Rescue!

2009-12-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

In August, my two daughters and I left Orange County, California, where I lived for 23 years, and moved up to a quiet, small town in Northern California. I wrestled with my consicence countless nights, wondering if I was doing the right thing, whether it was fair to my daughters to uproot them from a place that they called home all their lives, a place where they both had a gaggle of good friends.

I was especially concerned about moving my teenager, who was on the brink of turning 16 and would be a junior in high school. Would she be able to adapt and make new friends?

As we come toward the end of this year, which has been a crazy one, to say the least, I look back and realize that I did the right thing by moving up here with my children. Not only are we surrounded by my extended family, but my teenager told me something the other day that gave me a renewed appreciation for our new home.

She told me that a number of the kids that she hung out with in Orange County, girls who she had known since middle school, are now into drinking and drugs, and a few of them are sleeping around with boys. This was my daughter's pack! Her she-wolves. The girls she spent the night with, met at the mall and sunbathed next to on the beach. Girls who had a tremendous influence on her in her adolescent years.

I have to wonder: Had we stayed down in Southern California, would my teenager be involved in the same "extracurricular" activities? Hard to say. I'd like to think that I infused some morals and ethics into her, that given the choice between doing drugs and not doing them, that she would choose to say, "No, thanks." But peer groups can make a powerful impact on teenagers. I'm really not sure what the outcome would have been.

Yes, teens are pretty much the same everywhere. Drugs, drinking, sex and rude behavior are part of the teen culture no matter where you live. But trust me, the kids up here are A LOT nicer, a little more naiive and way more wholesome. And that's just fine with me. There are plenty of years ahead for her to be tempted by these vices. No need to rush into it. She's only 16, and there's nothing wrong with her holding onto her innocence a little bit longer.

As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't a move we made back in August. It was a rescue.

Thong-Challenged

2009-12-15T18:15:00.000-08:00

This is the season to celebrate your favorite things. Well, I found out today that I have a new UNFAVORITE thing.

My teenager told me she needs new underwear for Christmas. Thongs, she requested. You know, those tiny, torturous, sling-shot-things that now pass as underwear. I am quite convinced they were invented by a man because they are very sexy, yes, but so darn uncomfortable. You may as well walk around with a piece of toilet paper stuck in your rear, because that's how it feels. I don't think God meant for anything to go in that cavernous space, so for me, thongs are downright unnatural.

But . . . just about every young girl wears them. So, the aim-to-please-Santa that I am, I went thong-shopping today for my teenager at PINK, the sister store to Victoria's Secret aimed at the 16- to 25-year-old set. And I discovered that the only thing worse than shopping for bras and panties for myself, is shopping for these unmentionables for my teenage daughter.

It took me 45 minutes to pick out five pairs of thongs that kinda-sorta passed the mom test, ones that didn't send the message that I would like to see my daughter wearing these on a stripper pole real soon. I bought one with a cupcake on it, and one that resembled the one in the picture above. Still sort of "sweet," without being skanky.

It's a fine line between mothering and pimping to buy your daughter's thongs. Believe me, this is one outfit I don't expect her to model for me on Christmas morning.

Oh, Cheer Up!

2009-12-08T10:05:00.001-08:00

Are you a single parent, like me, who dreads the holidays because you always feel so ALONE?? Well, stop feeling that way. It's time to move past all that ancient history. I've written a great pep talk for you at Singlemindedwomen.com, where I am a contributing editor.
Click here for some holiday cheer.

WHAT Global Warming??

2009-12-07T10:56:00.001-08:00

I know for sure that the scientists really did fudge all that data in the global warming study, because when my daughters and I woke up this morning, we got a wonderful surprise. Overnight it had snowed! I know this is no big deal to many of you who live in snow country, but you have to understand that it NEVER snows in this part of Northern California.

Well, not NEVER. But RARELY. In fact, the last time it ever snowed here was back in 1976, when I was in high school. And the time before that was way back in 1888. So, yeah, snow on the ground here is a total fluke.

We were so excited! We made hot chocolate and pulled back the curtains looking out into our backyard so that we could look at the white grass while sucking on our morning cereal. Pretty thrilling for a few transplants from Southern California!

Last week, I dragged my boxed Christmas tree to the backyard to fumigate it. I found a Black Widow spider in it and was worried that she had laid eggs inside some of the branches. This was one blessed birth that I didn't want to celebrate on Christmas morning, especially right there in my living room, so upon the advice of my exterminator, I threw a flea bomb in the box and let it air out for a few days. Then a few more days passed, and then a couple more because I was too lazy to bring the tree in and decorate it. Last night, it snowed on top of the box, so now I have a fake tree with real snow on it, which is usually the opposite of what most people get -- a real tree flocked with that fake, clumpy, sticky white stuff.

This white stuff, my friends, is the REAL thing!

She's Got Mail!

2009-11-29T18:27:00.000-08:00

When my teenager walks into her room tonight, she's going to see a stack of unopened envelopes on her bed that have been piling up for the last week while she's been down in Southern California visiting her dad for Thanksgiving break. She is being courted by a number of our country's finest colleges and universities with the fervency of a horny suitor. First they send the letters, then they follow those up with a flood of e-mails. Gosh, she sure is popular. Imagine if they really knew her -- I'd have a damn riot on my hands!

I'm excited for my daughter and this college shopping spree she gets to go on. I've been telling her all along that the world is her oyster, she can be all that she can be and to shoot for the stars. (You'd be surprised at how many cliches actually apply toward raising teenagers.) While her grades aren't impressive enough to get her into Harvard, Stanford or Yale (which she has no interest in, anyway), they are good enough to get her into a decent liberal arts college or university.

I will continue to encourage her to get good grades and to set her sights high, but secretly, I'm panicking. I'm not sure I can afford to send her off to the college of her dreams! The ex and I started her life with good intentions and had some sort of college fund set up that was tied in with our life insurance or something and such, but I was a new mom and wasn't really paying attention. How could I be thinking of college for my baby daughter when I was just happy to get through to the next feeding? Add a new sister into the mix, a divorce, a complete restructuring of the family nest, my nip-and-tuck years as a single mom and suddenly we've come screeching up to this junction in our lives: my baby daughter is now a junior in high school, poised to go off to college in two years, and I have no idea how I'm going to afford it.

Of course the ex-husband and I will split the cost, so that helps. But still, it makes me wonder how many parents really save for their children's college educations. It's something you hear you're supposed to do the minute they cut the umbilical cord, so say all the best financial advisors. But I think many of us parents think there's plenty of time, don't we? "Why not start saving for college tomorrow? Or maybe a few years from now? There's no rush. Besides, we need that money NOW!"

Well, folks, I'm running out of time. How about you? I don't have the heart to tell my teenager that she may not be able to go to the college of her choice. Too risky this close to finals, with SATS right around the corner. Besides, I'm still optimistic. I believe it will all work out for her, somehow. Life always seems to go that way.

I have to remember that I went to the college of my dreams on sheer determination and resourcefulness alone. My parents didn't help with my out-of-state tuition, but I somehow pulled it together through grants, loans, various scholarships, work-study programs and two years as a resident assistant, which covered my room and board.

I have faith in my daughter that in the 11th hour, she, too, will be able to piece it all together and not let ANYTHING deter her from pursuing her chosen education. That attitude seemed to work well for her mom.

But just in case, I'll be buying a lottery ticket tomorrow.

Mooning Over "New Moon"

2009-11-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

Has your teenager seen "New Moon" yet? If not, I suggest the two of you go together. My teenager saw it twice this past weekend. She went to the midnight premiere Thursday night (I mean, Friday morning!) I wasn't real happy about that, as she kind of blindsided me.

A month ago, she asked me if she could go to the midnight showing on Friday. I thought, "Sounds stupid to stay up that late for a movie she'll be able to see at an afternoon matinee anytime for the next two months. But sure, why not? Might be a fun outing with her friends on a Friday night."

Welllllllll . . . . . little did I know that when she said "midnight pemiere on Friday," she really meant midnight on THURSDAY night, going into Friday morning. I almost didn't let her go since that was a school night and she had a chemistry test the next morning. I mean, how ill-conceived is that, for movie marketers to plan a midnight premiere of the hottest teen saga EVER on a school night when most kids with rational parents probably wouldn't be able to go, anyway?!

Apparently, there are quite a few irrational parents out there -- including me -- because the theaters were PACKED by 10:30 p.m. with eager teenagers -- mostly girls -- waiting in line outside in 40-degree temps to snag a decent seat.

She got home by 2:30, and of course I laid awake until I heard her come in. She practically fell asleep in her oatmeal four hours later, but she claimed it was worth it. (BTW, I'm still awaiting the results from her chemistry test. I'm scared.)

On Sunday, I took my 12-year-old to see "New Moon" with her friend, and surprisingly, my teenager said she wanted to see it again. We sat next to each other, and the first time Taylor Lautner appeared on screen without his shirt, I understood COMPLETELY why she wanted to see it again. WOWZA!! Why didn't they make teenaged boys like that when I was a teenager? Back then, a six-pack was nothing more than a few cans of your favorite soda.

After taking in as much of Taylor's half-nudity that I could legally handle as an adult woman, I glanced sideways at my teenager at the same time that she looked sidways at me, and both our jaws dropped simultaneously.

For a split second, we forgot our respective roles, and this mother and daughter were simply two women in full appreciation and awe of one of God's most beautiful creatures.

Gotta Love That Initiative!

2009-11-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

We all want our children to be self-sufficient adults someday. To make their own decisions, forge their own paths, beat down their own doors. But when it comes to my teenager taking the reins and calling up the DMV herself to make an appointment to get her permit because her mother has been purposefully dragging her heels to do so, well, that just UNNERVES me! Who does she think she is, anyway? Someone responsible for her own future? JEEZ!

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I am FREAKED OUT about my daughter driving. I just don't think she's mature enough yet. Just the other day, for instance, we were driving around in my car with the sunroof opened. For no particular reason except that my teenager is plain crazy, she takes off her seatbelt, jumps up from her seat, sticks her head and arms out the sunroof and screams, "WHOO-HOO!"

Holy shit, I thought. "You are SO not driving!"

Personally, I think teenagers shouldn't be allowed to get their licenses until they're at LEAST 17. Make that 18. There are plenty of stories to back me up on this. (Read here.) Not to mention the ALARMING statistic that car crashes are the leading cause of death for teenagers. So why are we in such a hurry to turn the keys over to our kids?

What's interesting is that we came from SoCal where many of my daughter's friends are getting their licenses right now, at age 16.5. Up here in NorCal, the kids aren't in as much of a hurry. My daughter knows a number of 18-year-olds who still don't have their licenses. And these kids are welcome in my home ANYTIME.

So yeah, I've been ignoring my teenager's pleas to call the DMV while she's at school to make an appointment for her to get a permit, the first step she must take before she can start Driver's Training -- which I DID pay for already as a birthday gift, mind you, knowing full well that we wouldn't be cashing in on that anytime soon -- and half-hoping that she'd get sidetracked by other teenage distractions, like Homecoming, boys and SAT worries.

But that little booger has been RELENTLESS! Last week, she stopped asking me to make an appointment for her and she made one herself -- down in SoCal over Thanksgiving break, where she will be visiting her dad, who isn't as concerned as me about his teenager driving.

I gotta admire her initiative, but still . . . she is SO not driving! I need to buy some time. Time for her to grow up a little more. Time for that free-spirited brain to develop important, life-saving synapses. Time for me to model better driving habits.

I could stall and delay the inevitable a little while longer. But in the end, a neurotic mother may be no match for a determined young woman so eager to start her own journey, pedal to the metal, down her own winding road.

The Candy Witch

2009-11-02T07:13:00.001-08:00

Now that Halloween is over, the question remains: What on earth are you going to do with all the candy that your kids brought home? There's no way I'm going to let my daughters eat all that crap! Mostly, though, I have no willpower when it comes to Snickers and if I don't get them out of my sight soon, I will soon be getting a few snickers of my own.

I wanted to tell you about this neat little trick I learned when the girls were younger. Have you heard of the Candy Witch? Yep, she's one of those magical creatures like the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny who no one ever sees, but who leaves happy kids in her wake.

So, when my daughters were younger, they would come home on Halloween night and fish out a few of their favorite pieces of candy, and we would put what was left in their bulging pillowcases on our front porch. Then we'd go to bed. Overnight, the Candy Witch (translation: ME!) would visit our house, take the bag of candy off the porch and leave toys for the girls, instead. It was the PERFECT scam! The kids got new toys and completely forgot about all that candy it cost them. (And I donated their candy to a local shelter, so it was a win-win for everyone.)

One year, I forgot to play the Candy Witch. My now-teen came to me extremely distraught the day after Halloween, upset that we had missed the big exchange. I didn't have any new toys for her and no time to go buy any, either. What else could I do but fess up? I told her there was no such thing as the "Candy Witch."

The minute I said that, I wanted to take it back. She looked like someone had just killed her puppy. She stood speechless for a moment, then I saw this lightbulb turn on in her smart little head and she said, "So, are ANY of those people real??" Meaning, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.

I gathered my courage and told her "No." And the leprechauns we built traps for in Kindergarten? No such thing, either.

And that's how my oldest little girl lost her innocence.

Don't Worry If Your Teen Is NOT A Good Student!

2009-10-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I found Christine Duvivier, as one click of the mouse leads to another. But I'm glad I did. Christine is an expert in helping parents and teens recognize a teenager's gifts, and in teaching them to achieve their highest potential. As Christine says, a teenager doesn't have to be a top student to be a future leader and achieve success in life. Christine has come into my life at a time when I need her most. I've been struggling to keep my teenager in the good-grade zone, and it's frustrating work, let me tell you! Christine's work has helped me to relax and understand that my job as a parent is not to be the Homework Police, but rather, to help my teenager develop her unique talents and gifts. And later, success will naturally follow.

Please welcome my Guest Blogger, Christine Duvivier . . .

Listen in the grocery store, the gym, or the PTA meeting and you’ll hear what I call “the vocal minority” – the parents whose kids are getting good grades. If your teen isn’t a top student, chances are good you’re not bragging in the bleachers. You’re in what I call “the silent majority,” since the majority of teens are not at the top of the class.

If you read the newspapers, magazines or parenting guides, you’ll get bleary-eyed reading about the importance of good grades, good test scores, good colleges. You’ll read about “the best and the brightest” – meaning kids at the top of the class or those who go on to ivy-league colleges. You’ll learn all the ways you should “motivate” your child to do better in school or how to tutor, adapt, mold and fix him to get better grades.

Does it ever just exhaust you? Do you ever get frustrated trying to figure it all out? Do you ever wonder, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my child? Why can’t we get it together?” If you answered yes to any of those questions, I have two pieces of good news: You’re not alone and it doesn’t have to be this way.

When I studied the gifts and strengths of teens who are not top students, I discovered that the reason they don’t do well in school is not because there is something wrong with them. It’s just the opposite. The reason they don’t do well in school is because they have gifts and strengths that conflict with the way they are expected to learn. It’s what is right with them that causes the problems in school.

When I looked at what is needed in our future economy, I saw that teens in the bottom 80% of their classes have strengths and gifts that are perfectly-suited to the future economy —and to world, scientific, and business leadership. The only question is how we help them to avoid feeling defeated by the time they finish school and allow them to develop the gifts and strengths that will serve them well in life. As it stands now, we leave them largely to their own devices.

In the past, some have argued that this is fine because we need to be sure we do a good job with the top students -- and if that means letting the rest of the group muddle along, that’s the price we pay. Here is the astounding fact about this argument: I found that we are doing a disservice to top students, too.

When you look at how we, as a society, have structured our approach to education, we are breeding anxiety and depression in teens at all levels of the class. I am not talking about a problem with teachers or with schools. I am talking about the system we form together as parents, voters, government, media, leaders and educators. It’s more complex than I can explain here, but if you’d like to learn more you can get a copy of my study by registering at http://www.positiveleaders.com/.

Here’s the bottom line for you as a parent: Do not worry if your child is not doing well in school. Do worry (and get help) if your child is listless, disengaged, anxious or unhappy. Understand that poor performance in school means that your child’s gifts and strengths conflict with what is being asked of her. Talk with her about this. Help her to get involved in activities that bring out the best in her. Be sure she understands that she is gifted for life -- no matter how she does in school.

© Copyright Christine Duvivier 2007-2009 All Rights Reserved

Read more on The Myths of Education™, Motivation, Daydreaming and Creativity, Preventing Depression and other topics. If you’d like to hear about engaging your teen’s gifts, call-in to Positively Gifted, Christine Duvivier’s radio program, on Tuesday October 20 at noon EDT.

Our First Big Storm!

2009-10-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ever since we moved up to Northern California, my daughters and I have been looking forward to the first rainstorm. When you live in the land of perpetual sun, as we did in The OC, a little bad weather is like a holiday.

The first few months that we were here, it was VERY hot. Like 100-degrees-plus hot, with no rain in sight. But the locals kept telling us how awesome it would be when the seasons change.

Today, the weather definitely changed . . . for the worst. The good news is, we experienced our first rainstorm. The bad news is, it was a MONSTER of a storm. Heavy rains, the slanty kind, and hurricane-force winds, about 55 mph. I tried to get out of the car to retrieve my mail, but the wind blew me back in. No lie.

To give you an idea of how strong the winds were, look what they did to this tree:

My 12-year-old loved every minute of it. The first thing she did when she got home was put on her PJs (at 3:00 in the afternoon!) and make herself some hot chocolate. (That's my girl!)

That's about the same time that I realized my teenager was supposed to be at cross-country practice. Nah, she wouldn't have practice today, I thought. There's no way any coach in his right mind would let kids run in this weather. Sure, he had sent an e-mail early this morning to let parents know that if it was raining, they would still run. But this wasn't rain. This was practically a typhoon! Nah, she wouldn't be running today.

So I hopped in my car, braving the winds and rain, to go get her at the high school. She didn't have her phone. A punishment for a small infraction last night. I figured she'd just be waiting for me, since she couldn't call me, hopefully taking shelter somewhere. A few other cross-country parents were there to get their kids early, too, certain, like me, that practice had been cancelled.

But guess what? That damn coach made those kids run four miles in the pounding rain and hurricane-force winds! One of my daughters' friends, who was recovering from the flu (possibly of the Swine variety), was running in shorts and a tank top. Her mom was having a cow right there on the curb.

My teen ran by me in a soaked sweatshirt, her hoodie pulled way over her head. I gave her the most sympathetic look of concern I could muster. What agony, what torture she must be enduring! And then she smiled at me. Really smiled.

It was her first big rainstorm, and as she would tell me later, running in the rain is her new favorite thing.

Sun-Kissed

2009-10-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

My teenager is now 16. She has grown up so fast. Like all parents, I look back and wonder how it happened so quickly, right under my nose. Although I can't pinpoint the exact moment when my little girl grew up, one summer, in particular, stands out. I wrote this a few years ago, but wanted to share it with you now, especially since my youngest daughter just turned 12, and is on the brink of undergoing the same, magical transformation into young womanhood:

I’m sure I speak for parents in every imaginable Census category when I shriek with
uncontainable joy: “Thank GOD, summer is over and the kids are back in school!” Remember that commercial for Staples where a father skips through the store throwing back-to-school supplies into a shopping cart, singing, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”? That’s precisely how we all feel, isn’t it?

Just think, for the next 10 months, the state of California will be watching our kids for us. That means we won’t have to scramble for childcare so that we can go to work every day. Or come up with creative diversions, like an eight-hour swim date at a friend’s house . . . so that we can go to work every day. Or fork out ridiculous amounts of money for Camp This and Camp That to keep our kids entertained . . . so that we can go to work every day.

By the way, did you know that you can attach the word “camp” to anything and it will sound really fun to kids? Time-Out Camp, No-TV Camp, Eat-Your-Vegetables Camp. I’ve enrolled my daughters in Clean-Up-Your-Room Camp. I like that it’s year-round.

Looking back on this summer, it was one of discovery. I took my daughters to Club Med in Florida where we discovered archery, trapeze, torrential rainstorms and White Chocolate Bread. My oldest daughter met other 12-year-olds from France, England and Canada and discovered a world much bigger than her own.

She now wants to pursue a career in international business.

As she looks toward her future, I reminisce fondly on her past – those pigtailed, bubbleblowing,
Play-Doh days when I was the center of her world. And she was mine. I was married then, a stay-at-home mom, and we had more time and disposable income to be silly and inseparable. But along came a sister, a divorce and my rebirth as a single mom. Life has pulled me in other necessary directions, away from her. Year after fleeting year.

This summer, while I was busy worrying about who would watch my daughters – so that I could go to work – somewhere under the California sun, my little girl grew up. She sprouted the most beautiful, long legs and now wears the same size shoe as me. (I guess I’ll have to start buying really ugly shoes.) Mother Nature also conspired in the transformation, slimming her down and padding her in all the right places. Now boys, and even grown men, are starting to look at her.

How did this happen? Where did my little girl go? Why wasn’t I watching? She picked an odd time to become a woman. Or,maybe the perfect one. Just as this tender rose is blossoming, my own bloom is fading. A yin and yang thing. Life in perpetual balance.

This summer, my daughter was kissed by the sun, by nature herself. Kisses of a different kind await my newly minted teenager in the summers ahead. Probably while I’m at work
. . . and not watching.

If anyone has seen a darling little girl, with curly, golden-blond hair, who likes to blow bubbles, please contact Lynn Armitage. I miss her.

Having A Bad Week!

2009-10-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

This week isn't turning out to be a very good one for me. So far, I was bitten by a dog. (It was a small dog, but it still hurt.) I got a speeding ticket going 10 miles over the speed limit in a construction zone, which I guess is DOUBLE the fine! (If only I had remembered that question from Driver's Ed!) I lost one of my severely bruised toenails which were injured in a tennis match weeks ago.

And worst of all . .. my teenager turned 16.

Reluctantly, I signed her up for Driver's Training, as that was the first item on her Birthday Wish List. But I am secretly plotting against her start date. The way I figure it, I can hold her off until about December, and since the training is six months long, she will get her license in June sometime. July, if I can push it.

By then, hopefully, she will be A LOT more mature and I won't cringe when I hand over the car keys to her.

What a WOMAN!

2009-09-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

The older my teenager gets, the more convinced I am that she is not my daughter. Case in point: She runs cross-country. I run errands, and on some occasions, my mouth. I am in no way interested in running or jogging, nor have I ever been. I am an athlete, don't get me wrong. Or at least I used to be. But I always engaged in a fun sport. Softball, football, tennis, bowling. That kind of thing. Running along the road in the hot sun, feet pounding on the unforgiving concrete, wishing instead that I was inside my air-conditioned house sitting on the couch watching "Oprah," is not my idea of a good time.

But it's how my teenager likes to spend her free time. She's on her high school's cross-country team and it's paid off nicely for her, too. She is in the best shape of her life, physically. And after a grueling meet this week, I can proudly say that she is in fine mental condition, too.

It was 102 degrees that day, and surely, I thought, they would cancel the meet. I mean, it's just cruel to make young kids run 3.5 miles in blistering temps like that . . . isn't it?? Shouldn't we be taking them out for ice cream, instead? I'm a whimp, it turns out, because the meet started right on time, as scheduled, and no other parents except me seemed fazed by it.

After the first mile, my teenager looked in good form. By mile No. 2, I was getting worried. Her face was very red and she was dripping in sweat. And I have to say, that if this is what she called recreation, it did not look like she was having much fun at all. On her last lap, she limped by me with tears in her eyes. My mothering instincts wanted to rescue her, to pull her out of the race and go get a double-scoop of Rocky Road. But then, those same instincts told me that something important was happening here.

Character was being built.

My tough little bunny fought off her genetic impulse to stop running and she finished the race. Afterward, she cried her eyes out and confided in me that she thought about quitting a zillion times during the race, that she even hatched an elaborate scheme as she was running to fall down and fake an injury, that's how miserable she was. And she was even seeing black spots at one point. But she pushed on.

She berated herself for finishing in the back of the pack, but I kept telling her, "Honey, what's important is that you finished! You didn't give up!"

Not only do I love my teenager to the moon and back. But after witnessing the strength of her character that day and her determination not to fail, I have the utmost respect and admiration for her.

Happy, happy trails to her.

What Sinks In Vegas, Stays In Vegas

2009-09-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

I was asked to write about a memorable experience I had in Las Vegas. The thing about Vegas is that you can never go there and NOT have a memorable experience. The hard part was trying to narrow down my many trips over the years to the “best” one.

The most unforgettable time in Las Vegas wasn’t the time my ex got a royal flush on the draw poker machine and won thousands of dollars (what a thrill!); or the time when I met my friend, Michelle, who drove in from Colorado, for Elton John’s “Red Piano” concert. Great, GREAT time!

Hands down, the memory I will carry with me FOREVER was the time we sunk our SUV into Lake Mead and my now-teenager, who was only 8 months old at the time, almost drowned in the back seat.

True story.

One very hot day in July, we drove to Las Vegas from Orange County for a weekend of boating. We had just bought our boat a few weeks earlier and we were very inexperienced in the art of boat-launching. The ex’s friend, John, a veteran sailor, never showed up to help us launch, although we waited and waited for him, so the ex decided that we could handle it without John. By “we” I mean me, him and our 8-month-old daughter sipping sweetly on apple juice in the back seat of the car.

The line of cars waiting to launch boats was agonizingly long, and the 100+ temps were trying our patience. So the ex decides that he will launch the boat a little ways away from the main launch area, where it looked plenty deep. He was pretty pleased with himself that he had discovered a launch spot no one else seemed to know about. He put the car in reverse and backed the trailer into the water.

All of a sudden, the rear end of the car disappeared and the boat flew off the trailer. What we didn’t know at the time was that the pavement underneath the water had a dangerously steep drop-off, and the Parks and Rec Department was supposed to have blocked off that area weeks ago, but they never got around to it.

OK, so imagine you’re my husband, and you see your brand-new 22-ft. open-bow baby Mariah heading toward the rocks as your car is sinking, rear-end first, into Lake Mead, with your human baby in the back seat and your wife riding shotgun. What would you do? Hopefully, not what the ex did. He chose to save his BOAT! (And now you can understand why I divorced that man.) He panicked and jumped out of the driver’s seat and started swimming toward the rocks as fast as he could to rescue his new boat. Unfortunately, he forgot to put the car into “Park,” so when he jumped out, our SUV continued to roll backward.

Super Mama here, in the passenger seat, immediately leaped into the driver’s seat, put the car in drive and tried to reverse the inevitable calamity. By that time, the car had taken on a lot of water and the gas pedal was under about 2-3 feet of water, and wasn’t doing its job. We were sinking fast.

I did the only thing left for a mother to do. I spun around toward the back seat to save my baby, who by then, had water up to her knees. I pounded on the car seat’s release button, which, thank God, was working perfectly and yanked my daughter out of the back seat. I then screamed to my husband, “Help us!” who finally realized that maybe he should be more concerned about his family drowning than his new boat picking up a few scratches.

By then, a crowd had formed on the dock and I heard a woman scream, “There’s a baby in there!!”

The ex swam back to the car and arrived just in time for me to pass our baby daughter to him through the window (which, thank GAWD, I had rolled down right before this fiasco). I grabbed my purse, popped out the portable CD player, and had seconds to swim out the window before the car was completely submerged in water.

I stood dripping wet on the dock with a death grip on my baby daughter. I stared, unbelieving, at our red SUV at the bottom of Lake Mead, thinking, “What if I hadn’t rolled that window down? What if my daughter’s car seat buckle had jammed? What if . . .?” Shaking and crying from post-traumatic stress, I was barely a shadow of my former brave self, the one who had acted quickly and calmly during a life-and-death crisis less than five minutes ago.

The Parks and Rec ranger drove us to the Las Vegas Hilton where we had reservations. A few good Samaritans down at the lake had helped the ex retrieve our water-logged bags from the back of our submerged SUV. We looked odd and rather comical standing in the lobby of the Hilton, three wet rats holding suitcases filled with water. People stared. I imagined fish tumbling out of our bags.

This story ends with a plug for the Las Vegas Hilton. I wanted everyone to know how nice the staff was to us that day. They went out of their way to dry our tears and our clothes. Housekeeping washed all our lake-soaked clothing in the hotel’s laundry facility, and returned them to us pressed and folded. What’s more, the Hilton upgraded us to a bigger suite because they wanted us to relax and forget about the near-drowning incident. It kind of worked. Especially the complimentary champagne and cheese tray that was delivered by room service.

But obviously, I haven’t forgotten about it, and I never will. More than a decade later, I still feel that panic. I still wonder what would have happened had I not rolled down the automatic windows just minutes before to cool off my hot baby in the back seat.

I look at her now, my baby, nearly Sweet 16, and I am dearly grateful for happy, dry endings.

This is a TravelingMom dedicated post.

FIRE!

2009-09-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

The other day, I went to pick up my teenager from school and noticed a plume of smoke in the distance, getting darker and thicker by the minute. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. There's a lot of dry brush around here, and coming from Southern California where wildfires burn out of control every year, I 've learned to take these "smallish" fires seriously.

By the time we drove back into our neighborhood, many of the streets were closed off by police. Uh-oh. I had left my youngest daughter and her friend at home with my sister, and all I could think about was getting to her, somehow, to make sure she was safe. My maternal instincts took over the wheel, and I managed to find the one street that wasn't blocked off.

My perspective was all skewed. The fire that looked like it was off in the distance was right down the street from where I lived. The barranca was in flames. A few houses had been evacuated as a precaution, but none were burning. No one knew what caused the fire. It had been a hot day, with temps up near 100. But I don't think the sun caused it.

An armada of fire trucks surrounded the area. Two helicopters tag-teamed to dump water and flame retardant on the blaze. (I snapped off that picture for you!) A little scary, but I had every confidence that those darling men in the yellow rubber uniforms would put my fire out. I mean, "THE" fire out.

The upside is that I finally got to meet a lot of my neighbors. I haven't really met too many up until now. Nothing like an impending disaster to bring a community together.

The next day, I bought renter's insurance. You just never know . . .

F.A.R.T.

2009-09-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

As I was driving around running errands today, I pulled up behind this Nissan Maxima being driven by what looked like a middle-aged guy with a bald spot right in the same area of his head where it would meet a headrest.

I had about 30 seconds to stare at his rear-end (of the car, people!), and noticed something funny. He had one of those personalized license-plate frames that had this acronym on top: F.A.R.T.

OK, I thought, typical guy stuff. They love to talk about farts more than anything. (To be fair, I got somewhat of a cheap thrill out of typing in FART as the title of my blog.) Then my eyes jumped below the plate numbers, and that's where the acronym was explained:

Fathers Against Radical Teenagers.

Now he had me . . . and my sympathy! And it certainly explained the bald spot. I wanted to pull alongside him and compare teenager horror stories, but instead, I groped wildly for my cell phone, that I had tossed into the other seat, so that I could take a picture of these plates and share them with you all on this very post. Then I recalled the whole purpose of my errand that day: I was on my way to the Verizon Wireless store because my phone can't hold a charge and keeps going dead on me.

No phone, no picture. You'll have to imagine the FART plates for yourself. Sorry 'bout that!

She Walked Out!

2009-08-27T08:15:00.001-07:00

Before I ran my teenager up to school today, I called her into my office to watch the video I posted below. (Sorry, YouTube deleted it off my blog. Click here for the URL.) It depicts a horrific car crash caused by three teenaged girls who were texting while driving.

So she's watching and seems pulled in by the scenes where the girls are laughing and texting some boy one of them likes. I think she can relate. Then the crash happens, and she sees the girls being thrown around in the car as they are hit from all sides. Quite graphic and disturbing. Lots of blood.

She then turns to me with this disgusted look on her face and says, "Why did you want me to watch this??" Then she stomps indignantly out of the room.

I tried to bring it up on the ride to school, and she shut me down. She said she didn't want to think about it. So, that's good, right? The way I look at it, if just 15 seconds of that video sticks with her for a while, maybe, just MAYBE it will make her a more cautious driver.

My parenting style normally doesn't include scare tactics. But in this instance, I think it was necessary.

I'm just trying to keep my teenager alive . . .

Why Teens Shouldn't Text When Driving

2009-08-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

My friend, Kathy Sena, over at Parent Talk Today has posted a blog that parents and teenagers really must read. It includes a public service announcement made in England that is one of the most intense and realistic videos of a car crash that I have ever seen. When my daughter gets up tomorrow morning, we'll be watching it together. It will be a rude awakening, indeed.

This video hammers home the dangers of texting while driving. We all do it. But teens are especially at risk for getting in car accidents if they are texting because they are inexperienced drivers who are easily distracted.

My daughter turns 16 next month, and videos like this scare me. I hope it scares her enough, too, to put her compulsion to text-message on hold when she takes the wheel in a few short months.

Watch for yourself . . . (Click here. YouTube deleted the video from my blog, the boogers!)

A New Life Up North

2009-08-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, God, it's been a long time since I blogged! I'm not even sure I remember how. I feel like a virgin on her wedding night, all nervous and unsure. When you stop blogging, it becomes easier and easier not to dedicate yourself to it every day. Life takes over. Priorities become more clear. THINGS GET DONE! I didn't realize how much time I was wasting sitting on my ass in front of the computer until I stopped blogging.

But I had to kick the habit for a while because my daughters and I moved up north to a smaller town and a simpler life. After living in The O.C. for 23 years, I had had enough of Paradise and the pursuit of perfection, and decided what really mattered was being around my family. It's funny. I left this area so many years ago to get away from my family, and they are the reason I have returned -- with a family of my own to add to the mix!

I felt guilty at first, dragging my daughters away from a place where they were born and raised, away from friends they have known for practically all their lives. But that little voice inside me, the one that is always right, kept assuring me that something much better awaited them up here. And darnit if that know-it-all voice wasn't right again! We were immediately embraced by a very large circle of sisters and brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles and dogs and cats and babies yet unborn. They didn't care that we had been gone so long. They were just glad we had found our way home. We are now A-Listers at all the family BBQs and get-togethers. We are like the new toy at Christmas that everyone wants to play with. My children and I are where we belong, surrounded by love and lasting connection. And the sense of peace is indescribable.

They do things differently up here. For one, my daughters already started school, while SoCal kids are still enjoying a lazy summer at the beach. I was worried about their first day of school. Would they meet new friends right away? Or would they be sitting alone at lunch, which is always the kiss of death for any new kid. I was especially concerned about my teenager, who is a junior now. Starting over midway through high school is a real challenge, but she was up for it. She told me before we moved that she was ready for a change, too.

Five minutes after I dropped her off at school that first day, I get a text message from her that said, "I feel like I'm going to throw up!" (Oh, no, now I really felt guilty!) She met a few people that day, but she still felt like an outsider. We had a long talk that night, about birds of a feather flocking together or something and such. I told her to be patient, that she would eventually find her flock.

As it turned out, her flock found her. She has been at this new high school for only three days, and today in homeroom, the entire class "interviewed" her. They asked her all sorts of questions about herself and where she came from. The question that was on everyone's mind was, "You lived in Orange County and moved HERE? Why??" (That's the question I get from everyone, too.) So when she walked into the lunch area, about 4-5 people from her homeroom were shouting at her to come sit with them. One guy yelled, "Hey, there's the OC girl!" She was at the center of a bidding war.

On the way home she said, "I really love my new school!"

Boxes are unpacked, kids are settled into school, new friendships are being forged. Operation Relocation is complete.

And we're going to be just fine.

Off To BlogHer!!

2009-07-23T04:40:00.001-07:00

See You Soon!!!

Where Have I Been??

2009-07-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

Please push aside the moss that has grown over my blog and let’s try to pick up where we left off. (I’ve been in the throes of moving out of OC. Priorities, sorry!)

A lot has happened since I last posted: Our country became another year older, we lost an angel and buried Michael Jackson (still unbelievable to me!), Walter Cronkite is no longer with us (there have been quite a few celebrity deaths, come to think of it), John and Kate are divorcing (who cares, right?), Obama lied again (not sure about what, but it’s probably an accurate statement anyway), a Texas man returned from rehabilitation from an auto accident to discover that a bird had pooped the image of the Virgin Mary on the sideview mirror of his car (click here), one zillion more people started Twittering (just a rough guess) and my teenager grew a half-inch taller.

Life continues to amaze me and stress me out at the same time.

This is not a normal summer for me and my daughters. We’re moving soon and have been dividing our time between packing, purging our junk, attending various good-bye parties, scouting out new homes up north and squeezing in the last-ever appointments with OC doctors. There has been some swimming and a few beach trips in between, but for the most part, our summer has centered around THE BIG MOVE.

I’ll have to say I am very proud of my teenager. She is such a trooper regarding this move. She’ll be a junior in the fall, and instead of worrying about starting a new school midway into her high school years, she is very excited about it. She says she needs a change, too, and looks forward to new alliances with new people.

Brave girl with a good attitude. Her mom must have raised her right.

Holy Turnaround!

2009-06-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Leave your kids to their own devices, and who knows what they’ll get into! It’s two weeks into summer break, and for the most part, I have allowed my teen and her 11-year-old sister to relax and do as they please, and what do they do? They go and get them some religion.

Can you believe it? I turn my back for one second and my daughters run to the nearest church.

They’ve been attending weekly Bible Studies and have insisted that I drive them to Sunday services. My tween has even been carrying around in her purse a bible that her friend gave her. Today she came into my room and proudly announced that she has memorized five of the 10 commandments. Then she proceeded to quiz me on how many I knew. (I rattled off eight, and then drew a blank.)

To understand how really odd – and amazing – this turn of events is, you need to know that we are not very religious people. Spiritual, yes. But not religious. We never say grace, we don’t attend church on Christmas day and on Sundays, we worship at the House of Pancakes.

I don’t know how they have come into the light, or how long this new discovery will hold their interest, but I am really happy they are there. Maybe someday I will join them.

Meanwhile, the bizarre behavior continues. Last week, my teen announced she was a vegetarian and both my daughters begged me NOT to buy ice cream anymore.

What the HELL is wrong with kids these days?

We're On Holiday!

2009-06-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

The English say "holiday." We Yanks say "vacation." Either way, we're not here right now. But if you leave your name and message, we will be sure to get back to you.

School's Out. Time To Panic!

2009-06-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

My teenager started summer vacation this week. I remember the pressure I used to feel when she was in grade school, trying to come up with creative and affordable diversions for her in the summertime. I managed to string together enough cheap day camps, trips to the library for storytime, beach outings and weekly visits to Chuck E. Cheese to help entertain her through the long summer months.

I always thought the pressure of trying to keep your children busy during the summer would fizzle out as they got older. But I think it only gets worse.

When they’re teenagers, it’s a pressure of another kind entirely: You worry that if you don’t have enough activities lined up for them, then they’ll get into trouble on their own.

We’re three days into her vacation, and already she’s spent time with two friends, here at our house. They’ve gone to the gym, hung out by the pool, played a little tennis, watched “Twilight” for the gazillionth time. I like that they’re here and I can keep an eye on them. But I’m sure this venue will grow old real soon.

My Gidget will probably be spending a lot of time at the beach during the day, which is fine, and so typical of being a teenager here in Surf City. But it’s the bonfires at night that I’m concerned about. She’s already been to one where teens were passing around mixed drinks in plastic cups.

We had a nice, long talk about THAT!

Does anyone out there have any good ideas on what to do with teenagers during the summer? Maybe some things that don’t involve too many boys!

My Teen, The Ninja

2009-06-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

It’s official: My teenager can now kick my butt. (And it seems like just yesterday that I was swatting and swaddling hers.)

On Saturday, my 15 1/2-year-old daughter earned her Black Belt in Taekwondo. What a relief! I will no longer have to worry about her dating or meeting up with the wrong kind of guys. This girl is now fully capable of protecting herself. Believe me, I saw her free-sparring and I feel sorry for anyone who gets in her way!

After the Black-Belt ceremony, I asked her how she felt about this tremendous accomplishment. “I feel empowered,” she replied. Feeling empowered is a marvelous way for any young woman to start her life’s journey, don’t you think? The way that I see it, she is way ahead of the game. It takes some women all their lives to feel that kind of inner strength. And she already does at 15.

I am over-the-top proud of her!

This ceremony marked a real turning point for my teen, the ninja. She had been taking Taekwondo for more than two years, earning a rainbow of belts along the way, always with her eye on the top prize: Her first-degree Black Belt. About midway through her journey to black, somewhere around the Purple-Belt stage, she wanted to quit. She had lost her motivation and said it just wasn’t fun anymore.

I did the mom thing, and talked her into persevering and seeing this pursuit through to the end. I told her that when they tie that black belt around her, she is going to be so incredibly proud of herself. She will have climbed a mountain and will be standing in a spot that not too many people can stand in.

Besides, I told her, it will look great on the college application.

As mothers, we teach our children so much. But there’s bound to be gaps in their education since we’re still learning valuable life lessons ourselves. Disciplined sports, such as Taekwondo, can help fill in those spaces that we aren’t always able to reach, as well as reinforce the lessons we’ve already taught them.

To be honest, I encouraged my teenager to pursue Taekwondo so that she would be able to defend herself someday if she ever had to. Something I believe all women should be able to do. But in the process, she became a disciplined, confident, strong and respectful young woman.

Again . . . I am SO proud of her!

The Black Belt Creed:

As a dedicated student of Taekwondo, I shall live by the principles of the Black Belt Creed:

* Courtesy
* Modesty
* Integrity
* Perseverance
* Self-Control
* Indomitable Spirit

Island Wisdom

2009-06-01T06:45:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I strolled through Balboa Island in Newport Beach with a good friend. Another single mother with a teenager. It's a darling little beach town dotted with million-dollar cottages and alluring boutiques.

We walked into a store called Heart of the Island, a gallery featuring the works of Southern California artists. Decorative ceramics, paintings, whimsical gifts, that kind of thing. My friend and I were discussing teenagers, our favorite and sometimes not-so-favorite topic, and right on cue, I walk by this framed poem titled, "Teen Creed." While I had promised myself that I wouldn't be buying anything that day, this item fell under that "It's Fate and you just have to get it" category.

Besides, I didn't buy it for ME, I bought it for my teenager, the alien. It's full of wisdom to help teens through those difficult teen years. (I am hoping that the quip about driving resonates the most with my daughter.) The shopkeeper told me that Oprah read this on her show not too long ago. I've pasted it below.

But what really sold me on this poem was the signature at the end. It was signed, "Lynn," as if I had written it myself. (The real writer's name is Lynn Kessinger.)

No matter how hard you try to resist the call of the wild, spontaneous purchase, some things were just meant to be yours.

Teen Creed

Don’t let your parents down,
They brought you up.

Be humble enough to obey,
You may give orders someday.

Choose companions with care,
You become what they are.

Guard your thoughts,
What you think, you are.

Choose only a date
Who would make a good mate.

Be master of your habits,
Or they will master you.

Don’t be a showoff when you drive,
Drive with safety and arrive.

Don’t let the crowd pressure you,
Stand for something . . .
Or you’ll fall for anything.

Traffic School 101

2009-05-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

One of our primary responsibilities as parents is setting a good example for our children – especially when our teens are riding with us in the car. I have failed miserably on that count, I’m afraid. Case in point:

Last week, I was driving my teen and two of her friends to the beach. While they were taking goofy pictures of each other in their sunglasses and bathing suits in the back seat, my cell phone rang. I put it up to my ear to answer it just as a Highway Patrol officer pulled up alongside me.

CRAP!

Now, I’m one of those mavericks who refuses to buy a hands-free device simply because the law says you have to. I’ve read one too many reports about the possible link between cell phones and brain cancer, so I try to keep the radiation away from the vicinity of my head by using my speakerphone.

OK, that and because I’m too cheap and lazy to buy a Bluetooth.

Anyway, up until that moment, civil disobedience had worked well for me. But I knew I was toast, and I had to at least TRY to get out of the ticket. So here’s what three teenagers learned from me – good or bad, you decide -- about how to weasel out of a traffic ticket:

1. Play Dumb (very effective when you really are blonde): I pretended I didn’t know why he pulled me over. I had just bought my car, so as he walked up to my window, I said: “I know . . . I don’t have my plates yet. I just bought this car three weeks ago, so the plates are coming.”

Did it work? Hardly. “You were on your cell phone without a hands-free device, Ma’am,” said Mr. No-Nonsense. DAMN! And what’s this “Ma’am” stuff??

2. Act surprised and admit fault, but rationalize it: “Oh, of course! Yeah, I was just answering it. But I put it on speakerphone right away!”

“The law requires you to have a hands-free device, Ma’am.” He wasn’t budging. And there’s that “Ma'am” reference again!

3. Remain calm and try to sound intelligent (the dumb-blonde thing wasn’t working): “To be honest, Officer, I am afraid to use a Bluetooth. I’ve read a lot of reports about how the radiation from cell phones and cellular devices has been linked to brain cancer and could cause the rapid growth of cancerous cells.”

What’s that?? . . . he nodded! I think I had him. “I understand, Ma’am, but there are ways around that. You can buy the plug that goes from your ear to the cell phone.”

4. Play dumb again, but be gracious: “Really? I never heard of those. I’ll have to get one. Thanks for the tip, Officer.”

Uh-Oh! He started to pull out his ticket pad. Flattery was getting me nowhere. Quick! Think of something!

5. Beg, plead, cry and lose all sense of dignity: “Officer, please, please, PLEASE don’t give me a ticket!! I just finished traffic school a few weeks ago and I can’t afford another ticket or a ding on my record. I’m a single mom, trying to take care of two daughters, and I just can’t afford this ticket or higher insurance rates. PLEASE!

He started to soften. OMG . . . he was human, after all! He glanced at the teens in the back seat of the car and said, “OK, Ma’am. Please drive safely.” Off he went, and this time I didn’t care that he called me “Ma’am.”

While I’d like to take full credit for engaging my irresistible feminine wiles to get out of this traffic ticket, I also think it helped GREATLY that I had three teenaged girls dressed for the beach, wide-eyed and smelling like coconut oil, in the back seat of my car.

A New Kind Of High

2009-05-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been writing this blog for six months and not once have I really talked about teens and drugs. Since I mostly write from my own experiences with my teenager, that means we don’t have any drug issues over at our house. And that’s a GREAT thing. I feel blessed.

In other households, however, it’s a different story. According to the Office of National Drug Control Policy, there is a growing number of teenagers who are abusing prescription and over-the-counter (OTC) drugs to get high or to cope with school and social pressures.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration reports that every day, 2,000 kids, ages 12 to 17, abuse a painkiller for the very first time. And that among 12- and 13-year-olds, prescription drugs are the drug of choice.

Who would have guessed??

I’m sure you have all sorts of questions about this disturbing trend among teens. To provide some answers, TheAntiDrug.com has teamed up with pharmacist Karen Reed, spokesperson for the American Pharmacists Association, in this Q & A:

Q: Kids are taking uppers, downers, painkillers, etc., that have been prescribed for their parents. What can those drugs do to teens who have not been prescribed those medications?

A: It’s always difficult to predict what type of reaction teens will have to medication not prescribed for them, especially when we don't know the dose they will abuse -- and if it will be taken with other drugs or alcohol. Uppers can cause hostility, paranoia or seizures. These drugs can affect motor skills, impair judgment, and affect the heart. Downers and painkillers can decrease concentration, impair judgment, and slow motor skills. Taking downers and painkillers in excess can also cause sedation and seizures. Imagine a teen driver under the influence of these drugs driving a motor vehicle -- this combination could prove deadly, as well.

Q: Kids take pills that aren’t theirs and sometimes when they’re drinking alcohol. What is the resulting effect?

A: No one, adults or teens, should take medication with alcohol. Teens who are taking medication that is not prescribed for them are probably also taking excessive doses. And mixing that medication with alcohol could prove deadly for teenagers. The effect of the medication could be intensified, causing the teen to stop breathing or have a seizure that could be fatal. If this practice is combined with driving, others could be injured, as well. The combination of medication and alcohol could lead to poor judgment that could cause serious injuries or worse. Teenagers often feel invincible. The combination of drugs and alcohol may intensify this belief.

Q: What is the best way to monitor cold, cough, and other over-the-counter medications in the house?

A: Keep them in limited quantities and monitor their use as you would a prescription drug. Never use them to help your teen or yourself sleep. Children (regardless of their age) mimic adult behavior. Be a good role model and never abuse OTC products yourself.

Q: What if a teenager has prescribed medications she takes regularly. How do you ensure those pills are not abused?

A: Keep track of the number of pills that should be on hand. Keep track of refills, lost pills, and request for refills. Paying close attention to use will help prevent abuse.

Q: What are some of the signs to look for if you suspect your teen has been abusing prescription drugs?

A: It’s easy for parents to miss prescription drug abuse because mood changes, temper outbursts, changes in sleeping habits and interests are typical teenage behaviors. You can smell alcohol and tobacco and marijuana -- you can’t smell pills.

Watch for changes in grooming, habits and interests. Watch for negative changes in school work, school attendance, and declining grades. Watch for increased secrecy, changes in friends and increased needs for money. Monitor your own prescription drugs and encourage friends and family to do the same.

Karen L. Reed is the national spokesperson for the American Pharmacists Association.

Biting Is The New Hickey

2009-05-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

I was perusing my SECOND favorite teen blog, "Radical Parenting" by Vanessa Van Petten, who does an incredible job of discussing topics that are close to a teenager's heart, and I came across a post about "biting."

Have you heard about this? (Click here to read Vanessa's blog.)

My own teen says that she hasn't, so it might be a fairly new trend. Apparently, some teens are biting into each other and leaving bite marks as a token of their affection. It's the modern-day hickey. Personally, I'd rather be gently sucked on than bitten. But hey, I'm just an old, out-of-touch parent. What do I know?

Vanessa doesn't talk about how or why this trend started. But I have my theories. One word: "Twilight." The vampire obsession launched by Stephanie Meyer's book series is literally "taking hold."

I'm hoping this is one trend that the public won't sink its teeth into (pardon the very obvious pun). Seems silly. If my teen came home with bite marks anywhere on her body, I would be more than a little concerned about who she is hanging out with.

Biting, to me, is an act of aggression and violence. Toddlers do it when they're angry or they want another kid's toy; dogs do it to protect their owners or private property; women are taught to do it in self-defense class. When you're bitten, usually you have to go to the ER for a tetanus shot. I have never in my life associated getting bitten with love.

I don't get it!

Would anyone care to explain?

How To Talk To Teens

2009-05-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

Today is "Guest Blogger Day." I'm very excited to have Debra Beck gracing our blog today. Debra is the author of "My Feet Aren’t Ugly: A girl’s guide to loving herself from the inside out." Learn more about Debra and her work with teens at www.myfeetarentugly.com.

Do you want to communicate better with your teen? Hopefully, you all said, "Absolutely!" The biggest problem I see with teens and parents is that a parent doesn’t set up the platform for easy communication until it is to late. If you start the process when your teen is 14 years old, you may hit a wall.

I encourage you, as parents, to start the communication process at an early age. Start communicating with your kids when they are young, asking them what they think about a lot of different situations in the world. If we wait for our kids to come to us, it may never happen.

It’s up to us to teach our kids how to communicate. Start teaching them the ease in talking to you about all subjects, that nothing is off limits. Every opportunity you get to open a conversation with your teen about anything, do it. The topic isn’t really important, so, talk about the issues on the cover of magazines, relationships, body image, hairstyles, sex, drugs or clothes. Talk about things happening on the streets, the homeless, fast food, pollution, the attitudes of people, whatever you see, start a conversation about it, no matter how petty the topic appears, it keeps your kids talking to you and this is the key.

Try to let them have their own opinion, keeping your opinions out of it. Let them have an opinion with out squashing it with yours. Parents don’t realize that most every time they speak their opinion, it feels like a judgment to their teen. When we only express our options and beliefs to our kids it’s not communicating.

In the dictionary, communicate means to exchange information. It doesn’t mean that the conversation is one-sided, someone giving their opinion. When we are giving our opinions instead of communicating with our teens, it shuts them down.

One of the most important things is for our teens to be able to come to us with critical issues if they need to. If we haven’t set up an open relationship that our teens feel comfortable in and in which they have a voice, they will not come to us.

During this time of raising our kids, teaching and encouraging them to communicate, we are also teaching them how to make good decisions. If we are telling them what to do, what to believe and how to think, how are they ever going to develop into confident adults? By asking their opinions and allowing them to have their own opinion, we are helping them build the tools they need to make good decisions and the best part is that they will want to come to us with problems because they will know that we will give the space they need to figure things out on their own.

Teens are smart. If you allow them the room to explore the situation and you keep asking the right questions, they will make a good decision. Telling them what to do never works. It shuts them down and they don’t listen anyway.

There is a time when teens normally start pulling away from parents, to develop their own individuality and to explore who they are. If we don’t have a solid base in place when this happens, they will be looking outside of the family unit for guidance. We won’t be the ones influencing our teens; their friends and the media will be guiding them. Isn’t that a scary thought?

So, start early communicating with your kids, again, talk to them about everything, and get them in the habit of talking to you with ease. Keep our opinions out of the conversation, and just ask a lot of questions about how they feel about the things, and how they see it. Give them the space they need to explore without your judgments getting in their way. Remember, this is their life journey, and we are here to guide them along their path and to help them become independent, confident adults.

Debra Beck is the author of "My Feet Aren’t Ugly, A girl’s guide to loving herself from the inside out." www.myfeetarentugly.com

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

2009-05-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

I usually don't like chain e-mails -- jokes and videos and inspirational thoughts that have been around the Internet and back a zillion times. But every now and then, I get a jewel, like this one. And a timely jewel it is, too. Happy Mother's Day to every woman who has stretch marks to prove it. Enjoy!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

National Mom's Nite Out

2009-05-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

My blogging partner, Maria Bailey, has been very, very busy for months and months pulling together the first annual National Mom's Nite Out scheduled for TONIGHT, May 7th!

The National Mom’s Nite Out is the first nationally organized celebration of motherhood that will unite more than 150 social media groups, companies, local playgroups, mommy bloggers and mother social networks, physically and virtually, because, as Maria says, moms deserve a night off, too.

The evening will consist of local events held across the country, as well as mom-organized parties and virtual activities. To allow moms everywhere to join in on the fun, mothers will be invited to throw their own mom’s nite out event by downloading party ideas and elements from The National Mom’s Nite Out website. The night of the event moms can join in the fun through online chats, Skype and Twitter tweet-ups.

A big, huge, virtual hug goes out to Maria and her entire team for looking out for us moms and for organizing what is sure to be a highly successful event.

Enjoy yourselves tonight, Ladies! I'll be in the dugout tonight at my tween's softball game, so have a Mamatini for me!

Common Ground . . . At Last!

2009-05-04T06:59:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, I was in LOOOVVE with Donny Osmond! Those BIG brown eyes and horse-sized teeth – YOWZA! He was my Jonas Brother. My Zac Efron. I owned every one of his albums (CDs didn’t exist back then) and collected every Tiger Beat magazine that had Donny’s picture in it. His centerfolds were taped to every square inch of my bedroom walls. My oldest sister, Lori, was equally as smitten with David Cassidy, so there was a bit of a rivalry going on in our household as to who was the hottest teen heartthrob.

I was CERTAIN that one day, I would be Mrs. Donny Osmond. I just hadn’t worked out the little detail of how we would eventually meet. All I knew is that once he met me, his soul mate, his search would end, too.

Adolescence is a culture of cruelty, they say. And my 6th Grade friends fed right into this. My family and I lived on an Air Force base in Florida, and one day my friends told me that Donny Osmond was going to make a guest appearance at the Base Exchange that coming Saturday, and why hadn’t I already heard about it? It’s what everyone was talking about! We didn’t have the Internet or Google search back then to verify Donny’s tour schedule, so I had to believe them. I WANTED to believe them.

You know where this story is going, don’t you? Yep, I walked nearly two miles – alone! – up to the Base Exchange early that Saturday morning on a humid summer day in Florida, expecting to join a mob of teenaged girls screaming for my future husband and NO ONE, not even a janitor, was in sight. A tumbleweed blew by. (OK, I made that up.) As Ashton Kutcher would say, “I was punk’d!”

Life goes on, gullible, young girls grow up and crushes fade away. Donny eventually settled for second-best and married some lucky woman named Debbie. So fast-forward to last week. I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner, and I hear my teenager say, “OOOH! He’s CUTE!” Who, I ask? “Some guy named Donny Osmond,” she says.

I drop the spatula and fast-walk into the living room, and “The Insider” is running a story about the day Donny got married (click here). There he is, as big as life on our plasma TV, the boy of my dreams, looking right at me, all dressed up in his wedding tuxedo. The young Donny. The Donny I loved. The Donny with his real-life wife standing right next to him. It took me back, let me tell you.

“You think he’s cute?” I asked my teen.

“Uh . .. DUH!” she said.

My heart warmed. Not over seeing young Donny again, but because I realized that as much as my teenager and I disagree over music and everything pop culture, we could easily have been friends back in the ’70s. Best buds, rivals, competing for the love of the same teen heartthrob.

Dirty Harry

2009-05-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

I heard a story today that made me sick. No, not Swine-flu-sick. But "eeeww . . . that's disgusting" sick! British Heir-To-The-Throne Prince Harry confessed to his Army buddies (and it was overheard in a pub) that he hasn't washed his moppy red hair in TWO YEARS!!

Are you kidding? Why on earth not??

England's 24-year-old prince claims that hair is self-cleaning, and doesn't need to be fussed over. That's really bad news for the shampoo industry.

I don't know about you, but I wash my hair every other day. If I put it off any longer, my hair looks greasy and limp. My daughters wash theirs every night. You might think that's a bit excessive, but they're kids, and kids get sweaty and dirty at school, and then sweaty some more playing after-school sports.

I would think that Harry would have a fairly unpleasant odor coming off his scalp. And what do his girlfriends think? I guess when you're dating a future king, there are some bad habits you're willing to overlook.

Although it might explain his recent breakup.

If Princess Diana were still around, I'll bet she would grab her unkempt son by the ear and drag him to the nearest wash basin for a vigorous shampoo. She knows better than anyone how important it is to keep up appearances.

Apocalypse Fatigue

2009-04-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

A worldwide financial crisis, record job losses, a recession-damn-near-Depression, earthquakes (one just struck Mexico yesterday!), the 2012 end-of-days prediction, the Swine Flu pandemic, melting Arctic ice shelves and the return of Britney Spears . . . pure chaos!

And now they just discovered a mosquito in Torrance, California, with West Nile Virus. (How’d you like that job, by the way -- keeping a close watch on mosquitoes?!)

Is anyone else just a little, teensie-bit exhausted, emotionally, from all the doom and gloom? Doug McIntyre, my favorite morning talk-show host on 790 KABC-AM (he's funny and quite brilliant), described this current sociological condition as “Apocalypse Fatigue,” which is so spot-on. It’s a wonder we can even get out of bed in the morning!

I’ve lived half my life already, so if these are the last days, I’m not real happy about it, but at least I got to experience some ups and downs of life. I’m still hoping to win the lottery, become rich and famous and find true love eventually. If I’m lucky, maybe I can get all this accomplished by the time the Mayan calendar runs out on December 21, 2012.

I asked my teenager what she thought about all this Apocalypse talk, curious as to how young people felt who may be cheated out of the opportunity of a long life and all the wonderful moments that come with it. She told me that she would rather die as a teenager than as an adult. I asked her why:

“Because adults are boring, and I’d rather go out having fun.”

Alrighty then . . . so, what about missing out on having kids, being a mom and getting married – and not in that order, girlfriend! – I asked?

She said, “I don’t want to have kids, mom, because childbirth hurts.” I wanted to correct her and say, “No, it’s the raising of children that really hurts,” but I thought it best to just shut-up.

She offered some more of her insights: “Besides, I don’t believe in the idea of marriage – of being with the same person for the rest of your life.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, because, well, I kind of agree with her. But as a parent, I’m supposed to send her out into the world with hope and optimism, so I told her that if she found a good man, she would want to keep him. And have babies with him. That is, of course, after college, launching her career, several years of dating and a reasonably-priced wedding.

In that order!

Our apocalyptic heart-to-heart made me sad. Sad for a generation of young people who have inherited, and quietly accepted, this chaotic world.

We all worry about our children. I just fear that we won't have much time to do that.

Swine!

2009-04-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

This is a blog about raising teenagers, but today I speak to all parents, all over the world. I don't watch much news over the weekend, so imagine my surprise when I log onto my computer this morning and the first thing I see is Janet Napolitano, the Homeland Security Secretary, declaring a public health emergency over the outbreak of Swine Flu in this country.

So far, about 20 cases have been reported in New York, Texas, Ohio, Kansas and California. All mild cases. But in Mexico, more than 100 people have died from this flu strain. I'm not real confident that the already flimsy border between the U.S. and Mexico will be able to keep this flu from spreading.

I live in Southern California, and so far, there are seven reported cases in San Diego. That's about 70 miles down the freeway from me. A little too close for comfort.

We haven't reached that state of precaution yet where we should keep our children home from school, but I do envy all those moms who are homeschooling their children today. Since I outsource my kids' schooling every day, the only thing I could do was strongly urge them to duck into the bathroom at school to wash their hands.

I think I will put on my "To Do" list today: 1. Stock up on anti-bacterial soap 2. Buy three face masks at Home Depot (just trying to be prepared!)

How about you parents in other countries? Are you as concerned as we are here in the U.S.?

How can you prevent the Swine Flu from infecting your household? Here are some tips from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

* Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.

* Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hands cleaners are also effective.

* Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread that way. Try to avoid close contact with sick people.

Influenza is thought to spread mainly person-to-person through coughing or sneezing of infected people. If you get sick, CDC recommends that you stay home from work or school and limit contact with others to keep from infecting them.

I Sit Corrected

2009-04-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote a post that I had a lot of fun writing. Too much fun. I got a little carried away and used some literary license to create an ending that really didn't happen. What really did happen is too personal, and well, I can't tell you guys EVERYTHING!

I want to thank the reader who pointed out the incongruity in my blog, which I thought it best to delete.

And to that particular reader, I just want to say: "Isn't it interesting how you can do something you're not proud of, then get rid of that thing and just move on like it never even happened?"

What A Dump!

2009-04-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is officially Earth Day. But my teen, tween and I celebrated early. This past Sunday, we had a nice little family outing at the local landfill, Rainbow Disposal. Nothing like the smell of trash decomposing to bring a family closer together, I say.

And given the choice between a day at the beach or a tour of the dump, well, we are anything but predictable.

Of course I want my daughters to be environmentally aware and to care enough about Mother Earth to treat her kindly. We do our part by recycling our water bottles. But the real reason we spent part of our Sunday at the dump was because my tween was offered a bribe by her school: Attend the "Public Awareness Day" at Rainbow Disposal, and earn extra credit in Science. My tween's grade is teetering between a "B" and a "C," so she needed that little push into solid "B" territory.

While I appreciated all the hard work and effort that went into pulling this day together, the come-see-how-we're-spending-your-tax-dollars-so-when-we-increase-your-fees-there-won't-be-an-uproar day, the local dump is not where I wanted to spend part of my weekend. My daughters were even less enthused. Normally an outing such as this would lend itself to a churro and lemonade. But for some reason, none of us had much of an appetite.

So we walked around long enough to grab a souvenir that my tween could give to her teacher to prove that we were there. Then I took a picture of them in front of a pile of trash, which was the highlight of the day. And inside of 10 minutes, we left, gulping for air.

Jamie Foxx: Father Or Comic, First?

2009-04-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

By now, you've heard all the hubbub over Jamie Foxx's rude, crude rant about 16-year-old Miley Cyrus on his new radio show, "The Foxxhole." If not, listen to the audio right here, raw and uncut:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Igrk5pds-YE

Lisening to that, you forget that Jamie has a teenaged daughter of his own. Plenty of folks are rallying in defense of Miley, particularly her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. But the one who has been forgotten in this media circus is Foxx's 14-year-old daughter, Corinne. I wonder what she thinks of her father calling teenaged Miley a "little white bitch" and encouraging her to make a sex tape and put some "crack in her pipe" to elevate her career, like Lindsay Lohan. What kind of message is this young girl getting from her own dad? The fact that he's a Hollywood A-lister does not give him a free pass to be a reckless father.

Jamie later apologized to Miley on Jay Leno's show, saying he was a comedian and never means anything he says. I watched the video. He seemed sincere. But he also seemed pretty sincere during the rant on his radio program. I think he's a better actor than he is a comedian.

Maybe his apology has more to do with concern over ticket sales to his new film, "The Soloist," which hit theaters this weekend. Guess what the No. 1-selling movie is currently? You guessed it -- "Hannah Montana: The Movie."

What I'm really troubled by, though, is the double standard here that is worth mentioning. Do you recall when Don Imus was fired from his long-running radio program for calling the Rutgers Girls' Basketball Team "nappy-headed hoes?" Like Jamie, this comedian apologized publicly, too, for his racial slur, yet he still got fired.

I don't think Jamie will be getting a pink slip anytime soon. He's a black man, and firing him for making despicable remarks about a white teenaged girl would be, well, racist.

Silly Signs

2009-04-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

Let's try something fun on this blog. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. But let's try. Once a week, I want to post pictures of funny signs, just for a little necessary comic relief from all the seriousness of raising teenagers.

But I can't do this without you! So please take photos of any signs you see that crack you up, and send them to me at: Boatfolk@aol.com. I promise to post them right away and give you credit for them, of course.

For starters, I offer up the one below. This sign is in a neighborhood where I used to live. It never failed to amuse me every time I drove by. It hangs over a tailoring business, and apparently, the owner is so well-endowed, he feels the need to advertise it. Perhaps it's time to switch tailors . . .

So, what does this have to do with teenagers? Well, who do you think took the picture?

DO Try This At Home!

2009-04-09T19:16:00.000-07:00

If you have a teenager, surely you've been down the same road that I was on today. The "I'm a teen, therefore I am" attitude that is usually accompanied by a lot of backtalk and a complete and utter lack of respect. Well, I did something today that I encourage all of you parents of teens to try at home . . .

So, we pick up the story with me driving down the 405 freeway, on the way to a nice day in Dana Point. It's the first day of Spring Break for my teen, and she's in the back seat with one of her girlfriends, who I just picked up less than 10 minutes earlier. My tween is riding shotgun. All is well, so far. Then I hear my teen stop talking and start texting someone who is not in the car with us, and I thought it was very rude to do so while she ignores her friend who is sitting right next to her. I suggested that she stop texting her virtual friend and focus on the real one next to her.

She snapped back with a very biting and disrespectful remark to me. EXCUUUSE ME??? So I did what every parent should do in a situation like this -- I got off on the next exit and turned the damn car around, toward home. I told her friend that I was sorry, we would not be spending the day in Dana Point and that I was going to have to take her home because I simply could not tolerate that kind of disrespect from my daughter.

My teen was stunned -- and royally pissed at me, too! And while it felt like an act of insanity as I was driving everyone back home, in retrospect, it was THE SANEST THING I have ever done!

Once all the drama was over, and my teen finally simmered down, she realized what she had done and apologized to me. That moment of truth led to a 30-minute heart-to-heart talk with her about a number of other subjects, including drinking, drugs, promiscuous friends and all the reasons why I am so proud of her. It was the kind of talk we don't have often enough. God, I love that girl!

Parents, we can't forget that our teenagers still need us to show them the way. Be strong, be sure-footed and don't be afraid to use a little tough love whenever necessary.

Spring Break Revisited

2009-04-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

Do you have questions or concerns about how to handle your teen's Spring Break? TheAntiDrug.com has teamed up with teen expert, Stephen Wallace, Chairman of Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD), and author of the book, “Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs and Sex — What Parents Don’t Know and Teens Aren’t Telling” to give you some answers:

Q: I am working the week my kids are on Spring Break. What can I do to prevent my teen from engaging in risky behaviors (like drugs, alcohol, etc.)?

A: The best place to start is with communication. Clearly stating your expectations for your kids’ behavior – and what the consequences will be for not meeting those expectations – over Spring Break is critical. Our research shows clearly that parents who take the time to talk with their kids, establish rules, and follow through with punishments when necessary, are more likely to influence their children’s choices.

Q: My teen wants to camp out with her friends for a few nights over Spring Break. How do I know if she’s ready to go away unsupervised?

A: You probably know best whether or not this is a good idea. Has your daughter been in any trouble before? Does she talk with you openly and honestly about decision-making and personal behavior? Will she agree to a set of rules about drug and alcohol use and stick to them? These are all important questions as you weigh the pros and cons of letting her go. We hear from kids that unsupervised sleepovers are often fertile ground for misbehavior (some kids even say that if they were limited by their parents they would be less likely to drink alcohol). Of course, there may be other safety issues as well, depending on the location of the camp out and the proximity of adults who can help if there is a problem.

Q: After holidays like this, the teen party pictures seem to make the rounds on their cell phones and Web sites. How can I warn my teen about posting these pictures and videos?

A: My own review of Facebook and MySpace pages, as well as my knowledge of kids’ use of cell phone cameras, tells me that young people don’t always practice good judgment when it comes to posting pictures and videos. So some good old education is a really good idea. Of course, there should be an expectation that their conduct would preclude inappropriate images of themselves, but they also need to be sensitive to posting pictures of others. Check out TheAntiDrug.com’s “Teens and Technology” section for more information about this topic.

Q: When my kids are at home alone, I make sure our liquor cabinet is locked. But is there anything else I can do to safeguard my teen at home?

A: That is a really good idea to lock your liquor cabinet. It is also important, however, to know that kids often get alcohol from others. For example, according to Teens Today research from SADD, almost three-quarters of teens (72 percent) say it is easy for them to purchase or obtain alcohol (compared to only 50 percent of parents who think that is the case). Similarly, 81 percent of teens say they can easily find opportunities to drink. So, having your child commit to remain alcohol free is a good way to keep them safe and out of trouble. Our research also shows that parents who adopt a “zero-tolerance” approach to underage drinking are more likely to have kids who don’t drink. The SADD Contract for Life (available for free at www.sadd.org) can help.
It’s also a smart idea to lock your medicine cabinet or other places where you keep your prescription and over-the-counter medications at home. Abuse of prescription and over-the-counter drugs by teens is an emerging drug use trend that parents might not know about – and teens often get these medications from friends or the homes of friends or family. Parents can take immediate steps to protect their teens from Rx abuse by safeguarding all prescription and over-the-counter drugs at home – monitor quantities and control access, and properly dispose of old or unneeded medicines. For more information, visit http://www.theantidrug.com/.

Q: How do I know if my teen is using drugs? What signs should I look for?

A: You are right to be concerned. Overall, more than one-third (35 percent) of teens say they use drugs. And, as with drinking, drug use tends to rise as teens get older. Perhaps the clearest signal of drug use is change. Look for changes in affect, mood, personality, level of secrecy, friends, grades, and sleeping or eating patterns. Of course, you also want to be on the lookout for drug paraphernalia (such as pipes or rolling papers), bottles of eye drops that may be used to mask bloodshot eyes or dilated pupils, and missing prescription drugs from your medicine cabinet. Finally, www.theantidrug.com offers detailed information about specific drugs – such as marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy – and what they look like, how they work, and what the symptoms are.

Home Alone

2009-04-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

Today marks the start of Spring Break for a good many teenagers across the country. Good news for them, not-so-good-news for parents. In the real, working world, there’s no such thing as a Spring Break, and with so many parents working outside the home, many teenagers will be home alone this week. According to the Office of National Drug Control, “teens with unsupervised time are three times more likely to use marijuana or other drugs. And unsupervised teens are more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as underage drinking, sexual activity, and cigarette smoking than other teens.”

In a recent poll, almost 60 percent of parents believed their kids were not honest with them about what went on during Spring Break. In fact, over half of all kids said they lied to their parents about what went on during Spring Break.

So, what can you do to ensure that your teen will stay out of trouble while you’re punching the clock, miles away from home? Here are five helpful tips from TheAntiDrug.com:

1. Always ask your teens where they are going, who they'll be with and what they'll be doing.

2. Set rules for checking in (via text, phone call, etc.) at pre-determined times.

3. Work with other parents to get a list of everyone's addresses, e-mails, and phone numbers so you can get in touch with your teens and their friends.

4. Safeguard all prescription and over-the-counter drugs at home, and put away all alcoholic beverages.

5. Talk to your teen regularly about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, and learn the facts. Go to TheAntiDrug.com for talking tips, conversation starters and all the facts about teens and risky behaviors.

Mama's Got A New Toy!

2009-04-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

You can have your iPods and your Wii's and your plasma TV's. I've got my NeoCounter. (See it? Scroll up to the left!) I just stumbled on this darling little widget today on someone else's blog and I thought it was the coolest thing! It keeps track of all my visitors from other countries, which is perfect for this blog because I get A LOT of people dropping in from other worlds.

Yes, if you're an advertiser, I really am THAT popular!

OK, OK . . . it's probably a Google search of the word "alien" that brings them here, and as soon as they see that it's just another blog by a mom who is whining about her kids, they move on. Whatever! I don't care HOW you get here, I'm just glad you do, Germany, Jamaica, India, Hong Kong, Australia and Brazil -- and that's just in the last five days!

I'm always impressed when I see another country pegged on my sitemeter. And now, thanks to Mama's newsest toy -- the NeoCounter -- you can be impressed, too!

And one of these days, I just know it, one of my international friends will actually be motivated enough to post a response. I'm ready when you are . . .

First Heartbreak

2009-04-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

My teen broke up with her boyfriend this week. Her first boyfriend, her first breakup. He wasn't treating her like the princess that she is. Taking her for granted, just one month into the relationship. It's a familiar tune, isn't it, Ladies? Makes me wonder -- do these feelings of not being appreciated by the ones who are supposed to love us most really start at 15?

She broke the news to me with tears in her eyes. She was trying to be brave through it all, but I could see how much she was hurting. And while my heart aches for her, I am also very proud of her.

She recognized, at such a young age, that if a guy really, REALLY likes you as much as you like him, he is going to bend over backwards to please you -- especially during the "honeymoon phase." If he doesn't, well, then, "he's just not that into you," and there's no sense in wasting any more time -- or text messages! -- trying to please him.

She gets it. Already. At just 15!

Battle Of The Bands

2009-04-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

It wasn't a very pleasant drive to school this morning with my teen. Our ongoing battle over music went another round. It usually goes something like this:

I'll turn on talk radio, and just as I'm settling in to the soothing wit of Doug McIntyre In The Morning, she rolls her eyes and flips the dial to KIIS FM until some stupid-ass Rap song comes on -- Chris Brown, Acorn, or whatever his name is, they all sound alike! -- and then starts busting her Janet-Jackson-like moves, right there in the seat next to me.

That's when I roll my eyes and switch the station back to Talk Radio, invoking my rights as an adult, her mother, owner of the car and therefore, commander of the airwaves.

She bites back with, "Were you always this boring when you were younger?" That comment sends me into a quick, but thoughtful, analysis of my boring adolescence, so I respond very defensively: "I'm your mother. I don't have to be entertaining."

She then proceeds to explain the history of music to me, as only a 15-year-old could: "The Beatles are so yesterday, Mom. And Cher -- she sounds like a transvestite!" I counter with, "Yeah, well at least she has a distinctive sound. Cher comes on the radio and you know instantly who it is. All the rappers you listen to sound like the same person. I think they've hypnotized teenagers with that ridiculous, thumping, repetitive beat."

She then delivers the knockout punch: "Times have changed, Mom. Deal with it!" I turn off the radio and we listen to the passing of time the rest of the way to school.

Windbags And Airbags

2009-03-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday, my teen turned 15.5. Here’s the irony: On the day that she became old enough to get her driver’s permit, I attended traffic school. (I was caught speeding. It’s about time they caught me!) And let me tell you, after watching one video after the next of horrible car crashes and families devastated by the loss of loved ones, who were tossed from cars and twisted around metal, I am not in any hurry to get her signed up for Driver’s Ed. No thanks. I think I’ll keep my daughter permit-less and alive a little bit longer.

I’m just hoping that she stays so busy with school, track and everything else she’s into, that she forgets all about it. But I don’t think I’m going to be so lucky.

By the way . . . for anyone who has ever been to traffic school, you have my deepest sympathies. Those two words are akin to “root canal.” I’m not sure what was more painful – sitting there for eight excruciatingly boring hours or writing a check for $321 for the privilege of giving up a beautiful Saturday afternoon to clear my driving record and keep my insurance rates down. When I rounded the corner at 7:00 in the morning (yep, that early!), I was STUNNED at the line of people snaking around the courthouse. A quick headcount multiplied by $300 put the revenue pumped into the courthouse that day at around $200,000 – just for one Saturday! What a racket traffic school is!

But I did learn something cool: Did you know that airbags deploy at 200 mph?

And there were some funny moments. Like, when it was over. When the instructor dismissed us, all these so-called “reformed” traffic offenders were stampeding out of the building and running as fast as they could to their cars because they didn’t want to get caught up in the inevitable traffic jam in the parking lot.

Let’s see, some of the worst drivers in Orange County coming together in one spot in a mad dash to get their Saturday nights started – I lost track of how many traffic infractions were being committed right there in the parking lot: tailgating, cutting people off, pulling out in front of someone with no signal, nearly running over pedestrians. I decided to hang back, turn on my radio and just wait until the chaos left the building.

A Perfect Day For Vampires

2009-03-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

It's a hazy, overcast day in Southern California. No sun in sight. A perfect day for vampires. (Isn't today the first day of spring??) I just made a pizza run (2 large pepperoni-and-sausage pies) for two teens and two almost-theres who are huddled around our flat-screen TV watching the movie "Twilight," which was just released on DVD last night at 12:01 a.m. Let the stampede begin!

My teen had been BEGGING me for two weeks to reserve a copy. I didn't feel the same urgency, knowing full well that Paramount, or whatever greedy movie studio owns this movie, has made sure that supply will well exceed demand.

When I surprised her with the DVD today (a spontaneous purchase, on my part), she squealed. No lie. And then she invited a friend over to watch it. I was amused at how excited they were to see a movie they had both already seen, one that had so much hype behind it the first time and exhausted her so emotionally, how could there possibly be any thrills left?

I tried to remember what movie made me feel that way when I was a teen. "Grease?" (I loved the sexual tension between John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John!) "Wizard of Oz?" (Nah, didn't stir up my hormones quite the same way) Oh, OK . . . "The Way We Were" with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford. Yep, that movie was my "Twilight." I still recall the palpable longing and desire the two had for each other in the final scene when Redford is hailing a cab in New York and catches a glimpse of Streisand across the street. She turns toward him, their eyes meet and BINGO! We witness a rare moment: true love.

Maybe that's what is keeping these girls so quiet in the next room. A chance to witness that miracle for a second time. We all dream of true love, no matter what our age. (Some of us even pray we get a second shot at it!) I can only hope for my teen and tween that their real-life encounter with true love someday will be well worth the price of admission.

Not Bad . . . For A Kid!

2009-03-18T06:29:00.001-07:00

My teen is really growing up. I know this because she is starting to seriously narrow down her career choices. She's gone from wanting to be a fairy princess to an American Idol to a child psychologist and now there's some buzz about international business. I've enjoyed being an eyewitness all these years to my child's metamorphosis. Of course, what she decides to do with her life is up to her. It always has been.

But if you ask me, I think she has some real talent as a photographer, as you can see for yourself. Keep in mind that these pictures of her are self-portraits. She posed for the camera while holding it at arm's length at the same time. She's both Tyra Banks and Annie Liebowitz all at once.

What do YOU think??

A Stab At Bad Parenting

2009-03-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Well, I'm all done moving, unless you count the two boxes crammed with toiletries that I have absolutely no room for anywhere. (Perhaps I'm a tad high-maintenance...) A special thank you goes out to Sherra for stepping in as a guest blogger last week while I got all my affairs in order. (Check out her blog at http://ilashgirls.com/)

And to answer your question, Sherra, I think I do my fair share of lying to others about the real state of affairs in Teen Land. Not because I'm trying to paint a rosier picture of life with a teen, but because many of the situations that I deal with suck up so much of my energy that I am too battle-weary to rehash them. I'd rather just move forward.

Even so, it's no secret that raising teens is a battleground at times. We parents can get so frustrated and overwrought over the smallest act of defiance. Take this father in Maryland, for instance. He and his teenage son were sitting in church together and the father asked the 19-year-old to remove his hat out of respect for church rules. The teen refused.

OK, we've all engaged in a battle of wills with our own teens more than a few times. What would you have done? Taken away the car keys, refused to pay his cell-phone bill, maybe told him that you were leaving?

Any of those responses makes a lot more sense than what this dad did. He got out of the pew, walked out to his car, grabbed a knife (how handy to have a knife in the car!), came back into the church and stabbed his teenager in the buttocks. Then he did the only thing left to do . . . he fled! There is an outstanding warrant for this father's arrest.

Yes, teenagers drive us crazy at times. But stabbing them? That's just insane.

Who Lies More? Parents or Teens?

2009-03-11T06:02:00.000-07:00

I have three teens living in my house right now so I think this makes me imminently qualified to share the results of an unscientific study I've been conducting for several years.

The burning question for me through these tumultuous teenage times is why this is the season of parenting when parents start lying.

Mostly to each other.

During the infant and toddler years, we helped each other. We swapped babysitting and recipes. We gave each other tips on the best pediatrician and how much pudding you can legally feed a 3-year-old. We exchanged funny stories about what our darling children said. We celebrated not just birthdays, but milestones, too -- when Johnny slept through the night in his big boy bed, when Susie was potty-trained and what special toy we bribed them with.

Then something changed.

Johnny and Susie weren't so cute anymore. The milestones became scary.

Middle school peer pressure. Study habits changed. Johnny got a D in math. Susie wore too much makeup and was "in love" with a boy you didn't like.

High school brought more milestones. The dreaded driver's license that meant freedom for them and more responsibility -- rather, liability -- for you. And more peer pressure. The dreaded 4 D's…dating, driving, drinking, and drugs.

The playgroups stopped. Healthy snack choices became the least of our worries. And we started retreating and lying to each other.

"Johnny is doing great."

"Susie is so busy at school!"

Lying by omission is still lying -- or that's what I've been trying to teach my kids for all these years.

Sure, there is a privacy issue. Keeping things private in your family and respecting your kids' privacy are important considerations … especially if it puts you, your teen or your family at risk.

But when we lie to each other, we're lying to ourselves.

When we internalize our fears about parenting this next generation and don't share what's going wrong and how to deal with it, we're doing each other a grave disservice.

You know the family who all appear perfect in public. I'm always a little relieved when I find out Ward and June's kids were caught __________ (you fill in the blank).

Well, at least it makes me feel a little better.

It's not a reflection of parenting. It really does take a village.

I absolutely believe we help each other so much by telling each other the truth rather than when we pretend everything is perfect. I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. This parenting gig is the hardest job on the planet and I need all the help I can get.

Let's stop judging each other and start helping each other during this season of parenting teenagers.

Am I the only one who needs to hear the truth?

A BIG thank you goes out to Sherra Humphreys, our guest blogger. Sherra is the mom of four, a speaker and a writer in her "spare" time when she's not keeping track of where the three teenagers are, who is in what car, driver and passenger names, location, departure and arrival time and other annoying details she asks her children daily. You can read more about her trials and joys of being a stupid mother, tried-and-tested teen dating tips and how proud she is of her twin daughters' recent decision at SherraLifeLesson.com.You can also find her at iLashGirls.com

a stupid mother
http://sherralifelesson.com/stupid-mothers-teenagers-country-music
Teen dating tips
http://sherralifelesson.com/little-lesson-7-teenager-dating-tips/
twin daughters recent decision
http://sherralifelesson.com/new-soldier-etiquette/
SherraLifeLessom.com
http://sherralifelesson.com/
iLashGirls.com
http://ilashgirls.com/

We'll Be Back Next Week!

2009-03-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

I've neglected you, and I'm sorry. This is moving week for me and I've been busy packing, with not much time for anything else. Look for some fresh posts next week.

Oh, and moms . . . you'll appreciate this. We're surrounded by boxes, and my teen knows we're moving this weekend. Lots to do, and I desperately need her help. So she asks me: "Is it OK if I go shopping with Tania on Saturday and then meet everyone at the beach on Sunday?"

Like I said . . . different planets.

Bending The Rules

2009-03-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

My teenager went to a winter formal Friday night with a 15-year-old boy she met a few months back at a dance. They’ve met up a few times since then, always in a group situation. And they text-message, e-mail, IM and post on each other’s Facebook and MySpace pages. Back in my day (GAWD, I sound like an old crone!), I would wait for (and agonize over) one phone call. Now, as Drew Barrymore says in the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You,” there are SO many ways to be rejected!

I had always told my teenager that she wouldn’t be able to date until she was 16. It’s the law in my household! But I allowed her to go to this formal because, well, it really wasn’t a date, per se. More like a bending of my rule. Yes, he picked her up (with his mom at the wheel); yes, flowers were exchanged and they wrapped their arms around each other for pictures (and her date looked very nervous doing so. It was cute.) But it was more of a group date, really.

About 20 of her date’s best friends rented a party bus and they gathered for a potluck dinner at someone’s house. Then they all went to Knott’s Berry Farm together -- the guys in suits and ties, the girls in short prom dresses and heels – in 50-degree weather, mind you! Forget my worries over teenage pregnancy. My overriding concern was hypothermia.

I picked up my little Cinderella at midnight. All the other kids rode around in the party bus for two hours, but I drew the line there. A 15-year-old girl, in my opinion, shouldn’t be riding around in a party bus until 2:00 in the morning, especially one that has a stripper pole smack-dab in the middle of the aisle on which, I hear, a number of girls and guys were dancing seductively. (What the hell is wrong with these kids??)

On the way home, my teenager told me that Bob (not his real name) “asked her out.” I reiterated my Golden Rule: “Honey, you know you’re not allowed to date until you’re 16.” The generation gap widened once again. “No, mom. ‘Asking out’ means that he asked me to be his girlfriend.” Whoops, my bad! (Translation: Oh, dear God!)

What a fine mess I’ve gotten myself into! Let me summarize: I let my teenager, who isn’t allowed to date until she is 16, go on a group date with a boy who asked her to be his girlfriend that night. I'm sure they’re going to want to see each other all the time, group situation or not. So technically, she’s now dating, right?

I Smell Something Funny

2009-02-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

I’m having some trust issues with my teenager. I won’t get into the details, as I do respect her privacy. She’s almost 16 (does anyone know how to stop time?), and I count my blessings that I don’t have HUGE problems with her that involve sex, drugs and alcohol. Still, I suspect she’s not always telling me the truth, and it makes me crazy sometimes.

So I understand (well, sort of) how some parents who DO have suspicions that their teens might be doing drugs would go crazy enough with worry to hire Sniff Dogs (http://www.sniffdogs.com/), a New Jersey-based company that unleashes drug-sniffing dogs into teenagers' bedrooms in search of marijuana, heroin, cocaine, crystal meth and ecstasy.

It's a little rash, I'll admit, but I gotta admire the entrepreneurial spirit behind this company!

They claims the dogs’ snouts are so sensitive, that they can detect a marijuana seed from as far away as 15 feet! Parents can rent these dogs for about $200/hour. When you consider the cost of rehab or worse, the emotional cost to a family from a teenager’s drug overdose, that $200 is a real bargain.

Critics argue that teens will feel violated and never trust their parents again. Parents who have hired Sniff Dogs say that this very unconventional surveillance method saved their teenagers’ lives.

What do you think? Does the idea of hiring drug-sniffing dogs to keep your teens drug-free stink or not?

Ask . . . And You'll Be Surprised What You Learn

2009-02-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

Image by Mark Sun via Flickr

I hear so many moms of teenager complain that their children never tell them anything. I wonder what exactlyis "anything" and I wonder if their children wonder the same thing.

Well, I'm hear to challenge those information-starved moms by asking, "When was the last time you asked for anything?" No, really. When was the last time you asked your child something specific and engaged in a way that told them that you really wanted something in return? You don't do this when you are driving and talking on a cell phone or fighing traffic with a younger sibling in the backseat. No, as a parent of teenager, you must find the right time, the right place and engage with 110% interest and presence of mind.

Granted these times are difficult to find when we are shuffling kids from school to basketball to ballet and trying to fix dinner and complete homework all in the same hour. But that's what makes parenting teenagers such an adventure. It's as much about finding the perfect time to chat, as it is getting the teenager to open up and share.

I found one of these rare moments recently in a pool in Costa Rica. There's a lot to be said about leaving the country to find time to talk to your teenager in a place where they cannot communicate with anyone in English and their iPhones don't work. You might say, it's an experience worth paying for! I not only got a tan, but got to hear about my daughter's teen experiences -- lucky me!

We were in the pool floating through the labyrinth of canals, just my 15-year-old daughter and I. Suddenly, I brought up the fact that she is currently the same age that her birth mother was when she first gave birth. Peering around my umbrella drink, I surprised her with a simple factoid. "Do you realize that you are the same age that your birth mother was when she gave birth to her first baby?

I had a difficult time determining whether it was the factoid or the randomness of the conversation that startled her most. She was very surprised, so I went for the grand slam. "How would you feel if you were pregnant right now?' It was a great conversation starter but one I am sure not many teen moms have asked.

She described how she would feel scared, worried and confused, which was my opportunity to make it even more relevant. We talked about how understandable it was for her birth mother to give her up for adoption, and how difficult it would be if she were a mom right now. Clearly, we wouldn't be floating in a pool on an exotic beach in Central America sipping non-alcoholic umbrella drinks.

Factoid #2: If my 15-year-old were pregnant, I might need alcohol. The conversation took many turns -- from friends who were actively having sex to feelings about abortion. In the short 10 minutes of conversation, I learned more about my daughter on a deeper level than an hour riding in the car exchanging yes and no answers.

I believe being a mom of teenagers makes us take a step back and approach parenting a little differently than when our children were toddlers or preschoolers. It's a time of evolution not only for our teens, but for us as mothers. It's time a time not to want just anything, but to want everything.

BY MARIA BAILEY

The Wisconsin Plague

2009-02-18T13:35:00.000-08:00

Well, my teenager's friend, Chris from Wisconsin, has come and gone. All those weeks of anticipation, building up to the moment he stepped off the plane on Friday and was attacked by my bear-hugging teenager and -- POOF! -- he was outta here Sunday at noon. You could say that time FLU by . . .

Poor, poor Chris. He traveled clear across the country, for the first time without his parents, only to spend most of his Big Adventure convalescing on my couch with the stomach flu. (And I was worried about the two of them being lip-locked all weekend!)

Thank goodness he and my daughter decided not to attend the Valentine's dance on Saturday, which was the whole reason why he was going to come out here to begin with. He was not in any condition to do much dancing, trust me. It was like a reverse Cinderella story. There was no limo, no corsage, no wearing of a beautiful pink dress and a suit with a matching pink tie. No dancing under the light of the moon, or in their case, a mirror ball.

Instead, they spent Saturday afternoon and evening lounging on my sectional – separated by fear of contagion – watching videos, drinking 7-Up and eating saltines, and sharing music on their cell phones by the flickering glow of the TV.

Sometimes life kicks you in the gut . . . literally!

Before Chris became ill, though, we managed to show him a few of Orange County’s highlights. On Friday night, we had the bright idea of introducing Chris to his first In ‘N Out burger – an absolute must-experience for any out-of-towner, wouldn't you agree? Chris told us he wasn’t hungry, even though it had been eight hours since his three peanuts and a coke on the airplane. But we insisted. In the morning, we breakfasted at The Sugar Shack, the legendary diner in Huntington Beach where all the surfers hang out. He ordered a ham and cheese omelette, but said it tasted weird. I noticed he didn’t eat much, but didn't think twice about it. New in town. First-breakfast-with-the-mom jitters.

Then my teen took him to the beach where they had planned to meet up with her friends. She had baked him some special Valentine’s double-fudge brownies. He took one bite, said they were too rich and didn’t eat them. After a few hours in the sun (the teens AND the brownies), which everyone knows is GREAT when you have a stomach flu, I picked them up at the beach and drove them to -- what else? -- a place where they serve more food. They don’t have El Torito Grills in Wisconsin, and Chris said he liked Mexican food, so I imagined this would be a real treat for him. He ordered a quesadilla, took one bite and pushed it aside.

Wait . . . someone from Wisconsin turning their nose up to cheese? OK, now I was starting to think there might be something wrong with him. Come to think of it, maybe I’m the one who got him sick trying to shove food down him at every turn.

So as my teen, the entertainment director, was making plans with her friends for a night out at Knott’s Berry Farm on the way home from El Torito, Chris was looking pretty green in the back seat of my car. He went from my car, to the bathroom, to the couch, and now you're all caught up.

Funny thing, Chris' mother said he's usually a very healthy kid. Last time he was sick was about eight years ago. Chris blames a girl he sits next to in school, who was out with the stomach flu last week. I'm sure she's going to hear all about his Big Adventure in California, whether she wants to or not.

Chris' mom sent me and my teen that beautiful flower arrangement you see in this post to thank us for curing her son of the Wisconsin Plague. Very classy lady!

And I've posted a picture of Chris below. You can't see his face (I'm protecting his anonymity), which I think is apropos, considering that we didn't see much of it either.

I Rock!

2009-02-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

On the Disney Cruise last year, my teen met a boy named Chris from Wisconsin. Though they met just two days before the cruise ended, they hit it off immediately and have been chatting on the phone, texting and IMing ever since, and as a result, a strong friendship has blossomed. She once even told me that Chris was her best friend. How sweet, but how sad, too, I thought. She finally meets a really nice boy and he lives clear across the country.

A month ago, my teen told me she wanted to go to her school’s Valentine’s Dance. It’s a tradition for the girls to ask the guys, and she didn’t know who to ask. I suggested she ask Chris, knowing deep-down that it really wasn’t geographically viable, but I thought it would at least make her feel better that she had someone to ask. Well, to my great surprise, Chris said yes, that his parents would let him fly out here from Wisconsin to go to the Valentine’s dance with her! Then she asked me if it would be OK if he stayed with us because he doesn’t know anyone in Southern California.

Uh-oh. I hadn’t planned on this outcome. Should I let a boy, who my 15-year-old really, really likes, stay with us for two whole nights and three days, though I don’t know him at all myself? The protective, Emily Post side of me said, “No. This doesn’t look proper.” But the historian in me, the one who looks back on my own teen years and wishes I had more unforgettable moments to recall, as this one surely will be for my daughter someday, said, “Sure, why not?”

“Mom, you rock!” My teen likes me. She really likes me.

So Chris comes out tomorrow, Friday the 13th. (I am so excited for them!) And while the two decided not to go to the dance after all, we plan to give the Midwesterner a short, but grand, tour of Southern California.

While we're busy making memories, I’ll keep you posted. Emily Posted.

Oh, and the sleeping arrangements? Chris will be slumbering in my teen’s bed, and she’ll be sleeping with me.

And I’m a very light sleeper ;).

(I'm curious: What would you have done in my situation?)

19 Ways She Loves Me

2009-02-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

How much does my teenager love me? Let me count the ways: Jason Mraz, Hoobastank, Avril Lavigne, Chris Brown, The Fray, Natasha Bedingfield . . .

Last weekend, I got an early Valentine from my teenager, and it surprised the hell out of me, to be honest. (I haven't received a Valentine from her in, well, NEVER!) While she was at her father’s house for the weekend, she made a CD for me featuring 19 handpicked songs that she thought I would like. Mom Music, she called it. (The last thing she ever made me was a macaroni necklace way back in Kindergarten. I still have it!)

To fully appreciate the selflessness of this gesture, you have to understand that my teenager and I hardly ever see eye-to-eye when it comes to music. In fact, we fight about music in the car constantly. I yell at her to turn off the rap crap. She berates me for listening to Cher ( I LOVE Cher! “Do you believe in life after love . . .").

“Follow the music into the light, Mom,” she pleads. “Right into the 21st century.”

What touched me most of all was that the songs she picked were DEAD ON perfect! They were exactly the songs that I would be listening to had I not been stuck in a musical time warp.

As I played each song, unwrapped each gift, my tween in the backseat yelled over all the beautiful music, “THESE SONGS ARE TOO SLOW!” To which her sister spun around in the front seat like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" and snapped back in my defense,“Shut up! It’s mom’s CD and she likes it slow!”

Ahhhh . . . she knows me. She really knows me!

That CD with the 19 “I Love You’s” burned into it is now my new favorite thing. Goodbye Credence Clearwater. So long, Cher. Thanks to my teen, I am moving on, into the light.

Three Top Fears Facing Teenagers Today

2009-02-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

We're going to try something new today: a guest blogger! I noticed a lot of other bloggers feature guest bloggers from time to time, and I think it's a great idea to spread the Internet real estate around, invite more voices into the mix. It will make this blog a lot more interesting, I think. So please welcome our first guest blogger EVER, Vanessa Van Petten! She offers a lot of insight into how teenagers think and why they act the way they do:

I have posted about the top 5 things teens worry about, but how about what teens fear? I asked a bunch of my teen friends and groups what they worry about most and summarized them here for you below:

1) Fear of Failing: I know, sometimes we act like we don't care. We act like getting a C on a test is no big deal, but usually this is a cover. We want to succeed and do well just as much as you want us to. We fear failing on an academic level, in our relationships, in our friendships and even on home projects. I think as a teen, our self-esteem and self-confidence are extremely delicate, so when we fail it is a real blow and we cannot recover as quickly as most adults.

2) Fear of Disappointing You: Yup, parents put a lot of pressure on us. Whenever I did badly on tests, I had to not only deal with my own disappointment of not doing well, but then announcing it to my parents and dealing with their anger/ disappointment/ punishment -- it's really rough. We also know that if you do not like our boyfriend/girlfriend, set of friends or art project, we also hear about it. If you do not like something we do, it feels like you do not like a part of us -- and that is something we fear.

3) Fear of Being Misunderstood: I mean this on many levels. Many of the teens I asked, said they feared friends not liking an outfit or the way they looked. They feared someone defacing their Facebook page and having gossip spread at school. They feared their parents over-reacting and freaking out about something they did. I call this fear of being misunderstood because, as teens, everything we do is about experimenting with our image, identity and persona. We want to perfectly portray who we are…yet, we do not even know that ourselves!
I think that parents can address these fears head-on with their kids. Ask them what they fear, bring these fears up -- even if they disagree with my list…at least they are talking to you about a deep subject!

Vanessa Van Petten is the teen author of the parenting book "You're Grounded!" She writes a parenting blog along with 12 other teen writers from the kid's perspective to help parents. Her work as a young family peacemaker have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, Fox 5, CBS 4 and much more! www.OnTeensToday.com

Guns And Gators

2009-02-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

Knowing when to let go is one of the most difficult decisions a mom has to make in raising her teenagers. Is it okay to let them stay out until midnight? When should "no" be the answer to sleepovers at the homes of friends who you don't know well? Or, as I had to ask myself this week, "Is it smart to allow my teenage son to go duck-hunting in the Everglades with another family?"

There are quite a few things to consider in this one question. First, the obvious one: guns. Second: wading through alligator-infested water at 4:00 a.m. Third: doing all this without my supervision.

The decision should be easy. My brothers shot their first rifle at 12 years old when they went hunting with my father. I shot my first rifle about the same age as my son is today. However, we are talking about my son, the little baby that took me over two years to conceive and the little guy that somehow grew up overnight. My first response was a resounding "Yes, you can go," but as the morning approaches, I am starting to second-guess my decision.

I keep having thoughts of what the headline might be if there's a freak accident. I can't help it, but the "what if's" overtake my confidence. I have to remind myself that in just three short years he will be doing these kind of things without me even knowing.

Perhaps it’s the knowing that makes us worry. We raise our children emphasizing in them the importance in good decision-making. We attempt to lay the foundation for them to keep themselves safe when we are not around, yet when the time comes to allow them to exhibit their skills, we hesitate to let them go. It's ironic isn't it? I'm going to allow him to go hunting and I'm going to worry until he returns, but the reality is that I've been preparing for this moment his entire life -- alligators and all.

Fast-forward 12 hours. My son has returned in one piece and happier than I've ever seen him. He had a great time. Enjoyed every minute of the experience. He didn't kill a duck, which doesn't hurt my feelings, but he did gain a great deal of confidence. Something I could have shot down, and how grateful I am now that I didn't pull the trigger on letting him go.

BY MARIA BAILEY