Rachel Canning -- you're a BRAT!

My last daughter remaining in the house has told me that she might want to go live with her father in Southern California for her senior year. It’s a bold move on her part, to switch schools in her last year of high school. But she’s not having much fun up here lately, having recently been bullied by a mean girl in school (see previous “Notes” column). Besides, this other high school has an ocean view, so can you really blame her for wanting to move?

          Upon hearing the news, my first reaction was, of course, utter devastation. “What? You can’t leave me! My job isn’t done yet.” I always knew my services as a mother would “no longer be needed” once I became an empty-nester, but I wasn’t expecting this major life change for another year. I was saving all my tears and anguish for that Kodak moment when my youngest daughter is handed her high school diploma, and I am handed my walking papers.

Now I have even less time than I thought to finish the best job I have ever had. I’m about to be a mom interrupted.

As sad as I am, it’s nothing compared to the heartbreak playing out in a courtroom about 3,000 miles away in Morristown, New Jersey, where an 18-year-old girl named Rachel Canning, who moved out from her parents’ home by her own choosing, mind you, is now suing them for child support.

According to court records, Rachel, who is reportedly an honor student, just couldn’t live by the intolerable rules in her parents’ household. You know, unreasonable demands such as being respectful, helping around the house, abiding by a curfew, not drinking and staying away from a boyfriend who is leading her down the wrong path.

Her parents aren’t monsters, as Rachel and her despicable lawyer are contending. In my estimation, they are simply loving, vigilant parents who are doing the hard work it takes to raise a child. Look, parenting is a thankless job. We invest long hours that turn into a lifetime. There are lots of messes to clean up. We don’t get paid for it. We are very unpopular, especially with teenagers like Rachel. And have you noticed that we are usually the last ones thanked by our grown children during their acceptance speeches at the Oscars, like we’re some kind of footnotes to their lives?

 

So, why do we do it? I’ve seen video of Rachel’s parents in the courtroom, sobbing, wiping their eyes and consoling each other, and I’m sure they have been wondering the same thing, too. But no matter how frustrating and life-sapping children – mostly teens! – can be, parents always come back to one irrefutable truth:  We’re in it for love, pure and simple. Mothers know. Once you give birth, you really never stop giving.

Parents don’t expect much in return, either -- except a little respect and an occasional “Thank you.” The absolute last thing we expect – or deserve -- from our children is a lawsuit. It’s the ultimate betrayal.

State Superior Court Judge Peter Bogaard got it right. He recently denied Rachel’s motion for immediate relief. She was hoping her parents would be forced to pay $650 a week in child support, the balance of her tuition at a private Catholic High School and her attorney's fees.

They are due back in court on April 22 to wrangle over whether her parents are obligated to give financial support to a daughter who self-emancipated.

It’s all quite sad to me. It’s hard enough to say good-bye to our children when they are ready to leave the nest. But to be betrayed by a self-centered, entitled, ungrateful brat of a daughter for all the world to see after gifting her with 18 years of unconditional love, well, that’s the real crime here.

          Drop the lawsuit, Rachel, and move back home. Your parents love you, and I am certain that they will forgive you.

Mean girls are simply bullies with lip gloss

No mother likes to see her child in pain – either physically or emotionally. I always thought the physical blows to my daughters were the most painful to endure – for me, that is. I’ll never forget when my youngest daughter broke her pinkie finger trying to field a ball during 5^th grade recess. She was fascinated that her little finger was pointing in the other direction. I was queasy.

          The E.R. doctor injected her finger with something that was supposed to numb the pain. The shot alone was knee-buckling to watch. But then the doctor placed a pencil under my sweet girl’s finger and in one swift motion, snapped her bone back into place.

It was stereophonic horror: My daughter screamed in agony and I wailed hysterically. It PAINED me to see her in so much distress. The receptionist told us that our gruesome screams scared a family in the waiting room so much, that they packed up and left in a big hurry.

            Medical torture aside, in all my years as a mother, nothing has been more painful than watching the fallout from my 16-year-old daughter being bullied by a mean girl at school. Not physical bullying, like boys tend to do. But rather, the emotional kind -- subtle, subversive, calculating slashes into her self-esteem, invisible to everyone – even me.

            My daughter has had a core group of friends for three years. She is (was) especially close to one girl, who lives right across from us and works at the same retail store as my daughter. They live together, work together, play together. It is (was) a tight bond. After Christmas break, things changed dramatically. This so-called “close” friend stopped talking to my daughter and began hanging out with a girl who drinks and smokes pot.

This bad influence has been spreading unkind rumors about my daughter and telling everyone that she hates her. And instead of standing up for my daughter, her so-called “friend” has teamed up with the bully.

My daughter is dumbfounded!  She has never done anything mean to these girls, nor said anything about them that would merit such an attack against her. One day they are friends; the next day she is a pariah.

            Sounds like petty teenager stuff, I know. But emotional bullying is the kind of behavior that drives some teenagers with weaker backbones than my daughter to commit suicide. It is a real problem in high schools, and I am certain in many cases, goes unnoticed and unreported because the wounds are invisible.

According to statistics from Family First Aid, about 30 percent of teenagers in the U.S. have been involved in bullying, either as a bully or as a victim of teenage bullying. This organization claims that teenage girls often favor verbal or emotional bullying, which “aims at getting someone else to feel isolated and alone … and is designed to get others to ostracize the person being bullied.”

That’s EXACTLY what is happening to my daughter.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry warns that emotional bullying can lead to depression, drug use, a drop in grades, an increase in anxiety, a loss of social life and yes, even suicide. In fact, a 2011 study showed that bullying “has emerged as a contributing factor to the sharp rise in the American Indian and Alaskan Native youth suicide rate.”

I’ve seen a marked change in my daughter. She is moody, defiant and non-communicative. I can barely get her to say hello to me. If a parent isn’t paying attention, you could easily pass it off as “typical teenage behavior.” But you need to look closer, and dig deeper. Create a non-threatening environment in which to talk to her. If you’re lucky, your teen will open up to you, like mine did.

If you discover that your teenager is being bullied, adolescent psychiatrists recommend that you take the following actions:

• Assure your teen that he or she is not to blame.
• Don't encourage bullying victims to fight back physically; instead suggest that they walk away to avoid the bully, pair up with a buddy, or that they seek help from an adult.
• Help your teen practice how to react the next time he or she is bullied.

As for my daughter, she showed tremendous courage by confronting the bully and her so-called “friend” head-on last week. She demanded to know why they were gossiping about her. Of course, as cowards usually do, the bully denied everything.

I, too, was a victim of bullying – twice in my life. When I was in 3^rd grade, two older girls at school stole my lunch money nearly every day while I waited in line at the cafeteria. And many years later, I was also bullied by a co-worker, a female broadcaster at a radio station who yelled at me every chance she could, berating me in front of the entire newsroom. She was 54 years old and should have known better -- a mean girl all grown up.

This April 30^th marks the 10th anniversary of the movie “Mean Girls,” starring Lindsay Lohan. I’m sure there will be much fanfare leading up to this “celebration.” But let’s not forget that there are countless girls and boys in this country for whom bullying is a daily torment -- not something that ends happily after two hours in a dark theater and a tasty tub of popcorn.

Top 10 Risks Teens Take

Taking healthy risks is an essential aspect of childhood development, and is one of the best ways for kids to learn about cause and effect and the consequences that come from their actions. Parents should encourage youngsters to take safe risks when the situation arises, but there are a host of not-so-healthy risks that come into the picture when little ones grow into teenagers. To adults, it often seems as if teens’ daredevil antics and harebrained schemes are as baffling as they are enraging, but there is a scientific reason behind teens’ risky behavior that boils down to neural chemistry, reward signals and development as they move into adulthood. While dealing with this behavior isn’t easy, parents can make a more concerted effort to curb dangerous impulses by understanding the most common risky behaviors that teenagers adopt.

• Speeding – Whether they’re trying to impress their friends or drunk on the heady prospect of being in control of a car without adult supervision, one of the most common risks that teens take is driving at a high rate of speed. Thankfully, there are devices that will allow you to monitor the speed at which your teen is driving these days.
• Texting and Driving – There is a sense of urgency, especially in social settings, that causes teens to be less than cautious when they’re behind the wheel and an incoming text alert gets their attention. Distracted driving is dangerous driving though, which is why a strict no-texting-and-driving policy should be backed up by apps and parental control software that prevents such risks.
• Experimenting With Drugs – Teenagers are well aware of the risks of experimentation with illicit drugs. Most are raised with the “just say no” attitude, and there are entire school programs dedicated to educating teens on the dangers of drugs. That doesn’t change the fact that curiosity, the desire to rebel and a need to assert an adult level of independence drives many kids to try these substances.
• Binge Drinking – Seasoned adults have a variety of reasons for social drinking, but teenagers have only one goal: to experiment with something they’re not supposed to be using while altering their mood. Alcohol poisoning and bad decisions borne of lowered inhibitions are both very real prospects, however, which is why it’s important for parents to discuss the matter with their teens in real-life, honest ways.
• Truancy – Some teens skip school to avoid bullies or a classroom setting they are struggling in, while others skip simply because they can. From asserting independence to practicing avoidance, skipping school for any reason is still a common and risky situation.
• Vandalism – While older generations took a “kids will be kids” approach to dealing with vandalism, that’s not the case today. Even when it’s meant to be a harmless prank, the destruction of property is something parents must take seriously. You can be assured that law enforcement won’t see this risky behavior as a joke.
• Trespassing – From the thrill of hanging out in a forbidden place to the more practical application of simply finding a place to hang out away from the prying eyes of adults, trespassing is another common risk that teens take. It’s also a crime, which is why parents shouldn’t turn a blind eye to such habits if they’re discovered.
• Having Unprotected Sex – Few parents look forward to having a talk about sex with their kids, but some of the riskiest sexual behavior of teens stems from a lack of understanding and information. Unprotected sex can lead to teen pregnancy and the contracting of sexually-transmitted diseases, which is why parents must have a frank and honest discussion about the importance of using protection.
• Self-Harming – Self-harming behavior like cutting is, according to a 2002 British study, more common among teenage girls. Most parents would never dream that their kids are cutting themselves, but it is common and it is incredibly risky. From cutting deeply and sustaining real injury to contracting an infection through open wounds, this damaging, risky impulse can have very serious consequences.
• Crash Dieting – Spurred on by the media’s fixation on physical perfection paired with the inherent insecurity of adolescence, crash dieting and even eating disorders are a common risk that teens take in a bid to obtain their skewed ideas of physical beauty. Parents should discuss these issues with their teens, even if no signs of eating disorders or problematic relationships with food are present.

Blog post courtesy of Babysitters.net.