Miss Independence

Every morning, I roll out of bed like a good little trained mommy and head to the kitchen to make breakfast for my daughters before they rush off to school. Making sure they start the day with a nutritious meal (well, sometimes I make pancakes) is important to me, always has been, ever since they were young enough to nipple-feed.

I usually make their school lunches, too, right after the milk is poured, unless they’re buying that day.

Yep, preparing meals for our children is what good mothers do. But on the way to school today, my teenager shocked me. “Mom,” she announced, “I want to start making my own breakfast. And lunch, too.”

What’s going on here? Lately, she has really been thinking seriously about her future. And I like that. She’s only a junior, but she talks about college all the time and how she can’t wait to be on her own. Out of nowhere, she started getting A+’s. Not just A’s, but grades in the 100+ percentiles. Now, if you knew this text-messaging, iTunes-obsessed, MTV-watching girl like I do, you’d swear that she must be channeling someone else’s spirit. Someone who died at Harvard. Or Princeton.

In the car this morning, she told me that she wants to start doing more things for herself, like making her own breakfast, because she wants to feel more independent. She said she’s going to be leaving soon for college, and she needs to know how to take care of herself.

Isn’t this the moment every parent dreams of, the one that was first hatched somewhere between all the diaper changes and butt-wiping? “Gosh, I can’t wait until this child can take care of herself one day!”

That moment has arrived, folks -- all too soon, I might add. As I turn in for the night, I will happily change the settings on my alarm clock. Since I won't have to get up up bright and early to make breakfast anymore, I'll get to sleep in an extra half hour tomorrow. It will feel like an early Christmas.

But for my teenager, tomorrow will be more like Independence Day.

Photo by Photographer Chuck Felix

Merry EX-Mas!

The editor of Singlemindedwomen.com asked me to write a piece about “surviving” the holidays as a single mom, and I wanted to share it with all of you who read this blog and who also happen to be single parents.

Counting this year, I will have celebrated 11 Thanksgivings and Christmases as a single mother. With a shared custody arrangement during the holidays, I have spent half of them with my children, half without.

What I found interesting when I was researching this single-parent topic online were the word choices being bandied about on various websites: “Surviving the holidays,” “Alone on Christmas,” “Coping with loss,” and my personal favorite, “Don’t worry, next year will be better.”

These so-called “helpful” holiday tips are enough to send any single parent spiraling into a depression.

See, the problem with all this survival wisdom is that it stems from a massive assumption that single parents are pitiful, helpless, lonely souls who, if not for these websites to help offset all the suffering, would be decking the halls with homemade nooses.

So I’m going to suggest something completely radical for this supposed sad-sap story about poor, old single parents “surviving” the holidays and suggest that we “celebrate” them, instead, because – NEWSFLASH! – we are in much happier places now, aren’t we?

With a respectful nod to widows or widowers, the alternative to being a single parent, in many cases, would have been to remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship with a former partner or spouse, right? That is certainly not the makings for a joyful holiday or a happy home in which to raise your children, if you ask me.

Yes, we have chosen to be single parents – BUT FOR GOOD REASON! And I think it is important, on occasion, to remind ourselves WHY we no longer have spouses to begin with before we RSVP for that holiday pity party:

The top five reasons people get a divorce.
(Source: Divorcemagazine.com)

If any of these scenarios rings a Christmas – rather, a liberty -- bell, then I invite you to CELEBRATE the brave, new world you have discovered as a single parent. After all, if you’re like me, it took you far too long to get here:

1. Infidelity: He’s a cheater, she’s a cheater. Remember how painful that was, to wonder where he was, why she was late, who he was talking to in the back of the house on his cell phone? You and your children were betrayed by someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place. It was difficult to do, but you divorced him or her and you moved on. Isn’t life without a cheater in your home much less crazy now?

2. Communication problems: It never failed, no matter what you said, he took it the wrong way. Sometimes it was as though you were speaking two different languages, which always lead to one big fight. You tried everything you could to get on the same page, even counseling. But in the end, it always came down to one thing: He never understood you, nor you him. Funny thing though, after the divorce, communication improved 100%, especially in matters that concern your children. And that’s what really counts, isn’t it?

3. Incompatibility: He was so sexy in the beginning, and you had GREAT chemistry which resulted in mind-blowing sex – and children. But once all the passion simmered down and you settled into marriage and your respective parenting roles, you realized that you were different on so many levels. You tried to be the person he wanted you to be, but that whole square-peg-in-a-round-hole thing wasn’t working. Now that you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, you’re free to live a more authentic life.

4. Emotional or physical abuse: You always said that if he hit you one more time, it would be the last time. But you stayed for five years beyond that. He continued to hit you and call you names, and worst of all, the children bore witness to it all. One day, you finally mustered the courage to leave because you realized it was the only shot at happiness for you and your children. And you haven’t looked back since.

5. Drug or alcohol addiction: You knew that he smoked pot every now and then, or that she got tipsy on occasion. But what you found out later was that he became addicted to cocaine and blew through the family savings; or that she started drinking in the morning while the kids were at school, and by the time that got home, she was completely bombed and unable to care for them. After years of rehab and relapses, you and your children simply couldn’t take it anymore.


So, about those survival tips . . .

If you’re a single parent, you’ve been through the worst already. You’ve already “survived.” You’re on the other side of that mountain now, the side that offers up beautiful, colorful, panoramic views of life. Unimaginable happiness is possible for you, and it all starts between your ears.

When you find yourself getting sad this Christmas, take a reality check and remind yourself what life was like when you were married to someone who was so wrong for you. In your head, you may think you miss your ex. But what you really miss is the IDEA of having the perfect spouse and the white-picket-fence family. You’re sad because that dream is gone, not because the ex isn’t around anymore.

As for the holiday “survival tips,” it’s really very simple. If you have your children for Christmas, then laugh and love and sing and dance and party and exchange gifts to your heart’s content. If you don’t have your children, do the very same thing with family and friends.

Christmas is just one calendar day out of the year. So what if you don’t have your children on the 25th? When you get them back on the 26th or 27th, have all your Christmas festivities then. The holiday police won’t care.

Every other Christmas, when my daughters are with their father, I recite this soothing mantra: “Christmas is the time to be with the people you love. And the people I love are with someone they love who I don’t love anymore. And that’s OK with me.”

Now please pass the eggnog.

Thong-Challenged

This is the season to celebrate your favorite things. Well, I found out today that I have a new UNFAVORITE thing.

My teenager told me she needs new underwear for Christmas. Thongs, she requested. You know, those tiny, torturous, sling-shot-things that now pass as underwear. I am quite convinced they were invented by a man because they are very sexy, yes, but so darn uncomfortable. You may as well walk around with a piece of toilet paper stuck in your rear, because that's how it feels. I don't think God meant for anything to go in that cavernous space, so for me, thongs are downright unnatural.

But . . . just about every young girl wears them. So, the aim-to-please-Santa that I am, I went thong-shopping today for my teenager at PINK, the sister store to Victoria's Secret aimed at the 16- to 25-year-old set. And I discovered that the only thing worse than shopping for bras and panties for myself, is shopping for these unmentionables for my teenage daughter.

It took me 45 minutes to pick out five pairs of thongs that kinda-sorta passed the mom test, ones that didn't send the message that I would like to see my daughter wearing these on a stripper pole real soon. I bought one with a cupcake on it, and one that resembled the one in the picture above. Still sort of "sweet," without being skanky.

It's a fine line between mothering and pimping to buy your daughter's thongs. Believe me, this is one outfit I don't expect her to model for me on Christmas morning.

Oh, Cheer Up!

Are you a single parent, like me, who dreads the holidays because you always feel so ALONE?? Well, stop feeling that way. It's time to move past all that ancient history. I've written a great pep talk for you at Singlemindedwomen.com, where I am a contributing editor.
Click here for some holiday cheer.

WHAT Global Warming??

I know for sure that the scientists really did fudge all that data in the global warming study, because when my daughters and I woke up this morning, we got a wonderful surprise. Overnight it had snowed! I know this is no big deal to many of you who live in snow country, but you have to understand that it NEVER snows in this part of Northern California.

Well, not NEVER. But RARELY. In fact, the last time it ever snowed here was back in 1976, when I was in high school. And the time before that was way back in 1888. So, yeah, snow on the ground here is a total fluke.

We were so excited! We made hot chocolate and pulled back the curtains looking out into our backyard so that we could look at the white grass while sucking on our morning cereal. Pretty thrilling for a few transplants from Southern California!

Last week, I dragged my boxed Christmas tree to the backyard to fumigate it. I found a Black Widow spider in it and was worried that she had laid eggs inside some of the branches. This was one blessed birth that I didn't want to celebrate on Christmas morning, especially right there in my living room, so upon the advice of my exterminator, I threw a flea bomb in the box and let it air out for a few days. Then a few more days passed, and then a couple more because I was too lazy to bring the tree in and decorate it. Last night, it snowed on top of the box, so now I have a fake tree with real snow on it, which is usually the opposite of what most people get -- a real tree flocked with that fake, clumpy, sticky white stuff.

This white stuff, my friends, is the REAL thing!

A New Life Up North

Oh, God, it's been a long time since I blogged! I'm not even sure I remember how. I feel like a virgin on her wedding night, all nervous and unsure. When you stop blogging, it becomes easier and easier not to dedicate yourself to it every day. Life takes over. Priorities become more clear. THINGS GET DONE! I didn't realize how much time I was wasting sitting on my ass in front of the computer until I stopped blogging.

But I had to kick the habit for a while because my daughters and I moved up north to a smaller town and a simpler life. After living in The O.C. for 23 years, I had had enough of Paradise and the pursuit of perfection, and decided what really mattered was being around my family. It's funny. I left this area so many years ago to get away from my family, and they are the reason I have returned -- with a family of my own to add to the mix!

I felt guilty at first, dragging my daughters away from a place where they were born and raised, away from friends they have known for practically all their lives. But that little voice inside me, the one that is always right, kept assuring me that something much better awaited them up here. And darnit if that know-it-all voice wasn't right again! We were immediately embraced by a very large circle of sisters and brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles and dogs and cats and babies yet unborn. They didn't care that we had been gone so long. They were just glad we had found our way home. We are now A-Listers at all the family BBQs and get-togethers. We are like the new toy at Christmas that everyone wants to play with. My children and I are where we belong, surrounded by love and lasting connection. And the sense of peace is indescribable.

They do things differently up here. For one, my daughters already started school, while SoCal kids are still enjoying a lazy summer at the beach. I was worried about their first day of school. Would they meet new friends right away? Or would they be sitting alone at lunch, which is always the kiss of death for any new kid. I was especially concerned about my teenager, who is a junior now. Starting over midway through high school is a real challenge, but she was up for it. She told me before we moved that she was ready for a change, too.

Five minutes after I dropped her off at school that first day, I get a text message from her that said, "I feel like I'm going to throw up!" (Oh, no, now I really felt guilty!) She met a few people that day, but she still felt like an outsider. We had a long talk that night, about birds of a feather flocking together or something and such. I told her to be patient, that she would eventually find her flock.

As it turned out, her flock found her. She has been at this new high school for only three days, and today in homeroom, the entire class "interviewed" her. They asked her all sorts of questions about herself and where she came from. The question that was on everyone's mind was, "You lived in Orange County and moved HERE? Why??" (That's the question I get from everyone, too.) So when she walked into the lunch area, about 4-5 people from her homeroom were shouting at her to come sit with them. One guy yelled, "Hey, there's the OC girl!" She was at the center of a bidding war.

On the way home she said, "I really love my new school!"

Boxes are unpacked, kids are settled into school, new friendships are being forged. Operation Relocation is complete.

And we're going to be just fine.

Can We Talk About Sex For A Minute?

Image via Wikipedia
I'm reading an interesting book: "Dr. Ruth's Guide to Teens & Sex Today." Can you tell I'm hungry for some guidance on the topic? It's Christmas time and my mind should be taking a holiday. I should be reading something adventurous by Nelson DeMille or John Grisham. But no, I'd rather bone up (bad choice of words, I know) on a topic that scares the you-know-what out of me: teens and sex.

My teenager is CRAZY about boys. I guess she always has been, now that I think about it. I remember when she was about 4 and was watching some Disney video. I walked in right when the prince was about to kiss Cinderella, Snow White or one of those lucky princesses. She was standing about 2 feet from the TV, with her fingers in her mouth, looking enraptured. I made some noise to let her know I was there. She turned around, looking embarrassed, and said, "Mommy, go away." Not sure what was going through that sweet little head of hers, but I think she's been obsessed with kissing boys ever since.

She's 15 now, and her Disney days are WAY over. I know she's curious as all get-out about sex, and someday soon, I'm sure her curiosity will get the best of her. I firmly believe that teens should not be having sex at 15. They just aren't emotionally mature enough to handle everything that goes with it.

Dr. Ruth begs to differ. She says that throughout history, it was common for young people to get married in their early to midteens and have children. They were treated as adults back then. She claims that modern society doesn't view teenagers as "having reached adulthood yet because we want them to stay in school and they require parental support to do so." She says we are forcing a lengthened childhood on them. And I guess that means we are holding them back from having sexual experiences that they are physically ready for, too.

Not sure I'm buying that. But as Christmas approaches, I can't help but think about the Virgin Mary, who was around 13 or 14 when she gave birth to Jesus. Granted, it was an immaculate conception. However, if God thought Mary, the teenager, was old enough to mother the Son of God, couldn't we logically conclude that He thinks teenagers might be mature enough to have sex, too?

I plan to ask him about that someday. Face-to-face.

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Our Christmas Tradition

I grew up in a family that didn't put a lot of emphasis on passing down traditions. We were an Air Force family that moved all the time, and my theory is that maybe we never felt grounded enough in one place to plant roots or impart traditions.

So when I had children of my own, I had to start from scratch. Sure, we decorate the tree and drive around and look at lights on Christmas Eve, and we used to leave cookies for Santa when my daughters believed in him. But most every family does these things, so I wouldn't really call them "special" traditions.

Then about five years ago, I stumbled onto something. I went to a crafts class just for fun, and we learned how to make homemade Christmas ornaments using clear glass bulbs and acrylic paint. The first one I ever made was GORGEOUS! Trust me, I am NOT an artist or a crafty person. The only things I can draw are a bath and a paycheck! But this I could do! And if I could do it, I knew my then-young daughters could, too.

We've been making these Christmas ornaments every year since. (I made the one in the photo for my oldest sister this year . . . ssshhh! Lori, I hope you're not reading this!) They make an inexpensive and priceless gift, all at once.

The best part is . . . my teen actually forgets about text-messaging while she's bulb-making.

We start right after Thanksgiving because it takes about three weeks for the paint to dry. The fun part is swirling and mixing different colors of paint until you get the design and look that you're after. When the bulbs are dry, you top them off with ribbons -- and that's where a lot of creativity comes into play. We try to find mucho ribbon colors, patterns and textures, so really, no two bulbs are ever alike.

My daughters wrap up their bulbs in decorative bags and give them away to friends and teachers the week before Christmas break -- this week! -- along with a loaf of homemade Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread. I gift my creations to co-workers, neighbors, family, my doctor and the mailman. Sure beats a $5 McDonald's gift certificate!

And that, my friends, is our special family tradition. One that I hope my daughters will pass along to their families one day. One day in the VERY distant future. First, college and getting your careers off the ground, right, girls?

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Ho-Ho-Hold Everything!

Image by Getty Images via Daylife
What the heck is wrong with teenaged girls? Somewhere along the way, they seem to have picked up the message that their primary purpose in life is to look as SEXY as possible. My daughter (who goes to a Catholic school, mind you) is going to a Christmas dance tomorrow at her school. She and a few friends have decided that they are going to dress up as "Santa's little helpers." How cute, I thought. I pictured green tights, curly-toed slippers, a cone-shaped hat -- like what Will Ferrell wore in the movie "Elf."

Um, think again, naive Mom! These girls are actually planning on wearing the sexy Santa costume from Victoria's Secret. (I tried to post a picture of it, but I am woefully lacking in computer skills. Try this link I provided if you want to see what it really looks like.)
http://www.amazon.com/Victorias-Secret-Santa-Costume-Adult/dp/B000YBIT5S

Technically, you can't really call that scrap of clothing between the belly button and the upper thigh a skirt. It's about as wide as a big belt -- Santa's belt. Needless to say, my daughter will NOT be dressing like a two-bit whore for the dance tomorrow night. We compromised. She will be wearing green shorts, white tights and a red tank top. I'm even going to throw in my Santa hat for good measure.

In fact, she'll look more like a real elf than her ho-ho-horribly tacky friends, who will probably spend most of the night doing Santa lap dances and hearing about some very private things the aroused boys at their school want for Christmas.

My question to you is: Would you let your teenage daughter dress like this for a school Christmas dance? You don't really need to respond. I already know the answer!