Oh, Cheer Up!

Are you a single parent, like me, who dreads the holidays because you always feel so ALONE?? Well, stop feeling that way. It's time to move past all that ancient history. I've written a great pep talk for you at Singlemindedwomen.com, where I am a contributing editor.
Click here for some holiday cheer.

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

I usually don't like chain e-mails -- jokes and videos and inspirational thoughts that have been around the Internet and back a zillion times. But every now and then, I get a jewel, like this one. And a timely jewel it is, too. Happy Mother's Day to every woman who has stretch marks to prove it. Enjoy!


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

What A Dump!

Tomorrow is officially Earth Day. But my teen, tween and I celebrated early. This past Sunday, we had a nice little family outing at the local landfill, Rainbow Disposal. Nothing like the smell of trash decomposing to bring a family closer together, I say.

And given the choice between a day at the beach or a tour of the dump, well, we are anything but predictable.

Of course I want my daughters to be environmentally aware and to care enough about Mother Earth to treat her kindly. We do our part by recycling our water bottles. But the real reason we spent part of our Sunday at the dump was because my tween was offered a bribe by her school: Attend the "Public Awareness Day" at Rainbow Disposal, and earn extra credit in Science. My tween's grade is teetering between a "B" and a "C," so she needed that little push into solid "B" territory.

While I appreciated all the hard work and effort that went into pulling this day together, the come-see-how-we're-spending-your-tax-dollars-so-when-we-increase-your-fees-there-won't-be-an-uproar day, the local dump is not where I wanted to spend part of my weekend. My daughters were even less enthused. Normally an outing such as this would lend itself to a churro and lemonade. But for some reason, none of us had much of an appetite.

So we walked around long enough to grab a souvenir that my tween could give to her teacher to prove that we were there. Then I took a picture of them in front of a pile of trash, which was the highlight of the day. And inside of 10 minutes, we left, gulping for air.

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Our Christmas Tradition

I grew up in a family that didn't put a lot of emphasis on passing down traditions. We were an Air Force family that moved all the time, and my theory is that maybe we never felt grounded enough in one place to plant roots or impart traditions.

So when I had children of my own, I had to start from scratch. Sure, we decorate the tree and drive around and look at lights on Christmas Eve, and we used to leave cookies for Santa when my daughters believed in him. But most every family does these things, so I wouldn't really call them "special" traditions.

Then about five years ago, I stumbled onto something. I went to a crafts class just for fun, and we learned how to make homemade Christmas ornaments using clear glass bulbs and acrylic paint. The first one I ever made was GORGEOUS! Trust me, I am NOT an artist or a crafty person. The only things I can draw are a bath and a paycheck! But this I could do! And if I could do it, I knew my then-young daughters could, too.

We've been making these Christmas ornaments every year since. (I made the one in the photo for my oldest sister this year . . . ssshhh! Lori, I hope you're not reading this!) They make an inexpensive and priceless gift, all at once.

The best part is . . . my teen actually forgets about text-messaging while she's bulb-making.

We start right after Thanksgiving because it takes about three weeks for the paint to dry. The fun part is swirling and mixing different colors of paint until you get the design and look that you're after. When the bulbs are dry, you top them off with ribbons -- and that's where a lot of creativity comes into play. We try to find mucho ribbon colors, patterns and textures, so really, no two bulbs are ever alike.

My daughters wrap up their bulbs in decorative bags and give them away to friends and teachers the week before Christmas break -- this week! -- along with a loaf of homemade Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread. I gift my creations to co-workers, neighbors, family, my doctor and the mailman. Sure beats a $5 McDonald's gift certificate!

And that, my friends, is our special family tradition. One that I hope my daughters will pass along to their families one day. One day in the VERY distant future. First, college and getting your careers off the ground, right, girls?

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Ho-Ho-Hold Everything!

Image by Getty Images via Daylife
What the heck is wrong with teenaged girls? Somewhere along the way, they seem to have picked up the message that their primary purpose in life is to look as SEXY as possible. My daughter (who goes to a Catholic school, mind you) is going to a Christmas dance tomorrow at her school. She and a few friends have decided that they are going to dress up as "Santa's little helpers." How cute, I thought. I pictured green tights, curly-toed slippers, a cone-shaped hat -- like what Will Ferrell wore in the movie "Elf."

Um, think again, naive Mom! These girls are actually planning on wearing the sexy Santa costume from Victoria's Secret. (I tried to post a picture of it, but I am woefully lacking in computer skills. Try this link I provided if you want to see what it really looks like.)
http://www.amazon.com/Victorias-Secret-Santa-Costume-Adult/dp/B000YBIT5S

Technically, you can't really call that scrap of clothing between the belly button and the upper thigh a skirt. It's about as wide as a big belt -- Santa's belt. Needless to say, my daughter will NOT be dressing like a two-bit whore for the dance tomorrow night. We compromised. She will be wearing green shorts, white tights and a red tank top. I'm even going to throw in my Santa hat for good measure.

In fact, she'll look more like a real elf than her ho-ho-horribly tacky friends, who will probably spend most of the night doing Santa lap dances and hearing about some very private things the aroused boys at their school want for Christmas.

My question to you is: Would you let your teenage daughter dress like this for a school Christmas dance? You don't really need to respond. I already know the answer!