Miss Independence

Every morning, I roll out of bed like a good little trained mommy and head to the kitchen to make breakfast for my daughters before they rush off to school. Making sure they start the day with a nutritious meal (well, sometimes I make pancakes) is important to me, always has been, ever since they were young enough to nipple-feed.

I usually make their school lunches, too, right after the milk is poured, unless they’re buying that day.

Yep, preparing meals for our children is what good mothers do. But on the way to school today, my teenager shocked me. “Mom,” she announced, “I want to start making my own breakfast. And lunch, too.”

What’s going on here? Lately, she has really been thinking seriously about her future. And I like that. She’s only a junior, but she talks about college all the time and how she can’t wait to be on her own. Out of nowhere, she started getting A+’s. Not just A’s, but grades in the 100+ percentiles. Now, if you knew this text-messaging, iTunes-obsessed, MTV-watching girl like I do, you’d swear that she must be channeling someone else’s spirit. Someone who died at Harvard. Or Princeton.

In the car this morning, she told me that she wants to start doing more things for herself, like making her own breakfast, because she wants to feel more independent. She said she’s going to be leaving soon for college, and she needs to know how to take care of herself.

Isn’t this the moment every parent dreams of, the one that was first hatched somewhere between all the diaper changes and butt-wiping? “Gosh, I can’t wait until this child can take care of herself one day!”

That moment has arrived, folks -- all too soon, I might add. As I turn in for the night, I will happily change the settings on my alarm clock. Since I won't have to get up up bright and early to make breakfast anymore, I'll get to sleep in an extra half hour tomorrow. It will feel like an early Christmas.

But for my teenager, tomorrow will be more like Independence Day.

Photo by Photographer Chuck Felix

Merry EX-Mas!

The editor of Singlemindedwomen.com asked me to write a piece about “surviving” the holidays as a single mom, and I wanted to share it with all of you who read this blog and who also happen to be single parents.

Counting this year, I will have celebrated 11 Thanksgivings and Christmases as a single mother. With a shared custody arrangement during the holidays, I have spent half of them with my children, half without.

What I found interesting when I was researching this single-parent topic online were the word choices being bandied about on various websites: “Surviving the holidays,” “Alone on Christmas,” “Coping with loss,” and my personal favorite, “Don’t worry, next year will be better.”

These so-called “helpful” holiday tips are enough to send any single parent spiraling into a depression.

See, the problem with all this survival wisdom is that it stems from a massive assumption that single parents are pitiful, helpless, lonely souls who, if not for these websites to help offset all the suffering, would be decking the halls with homemade nooses.

So I’m going to suggest something completely radical for this supposed sad-sap story about poor, old single parents “surviving” the holidays and suggest that we “celebrate” them, instead, because – NEWSFLASH! – we are in much happier places now, aren’t we?

With a respectful nod to widows or widowers, the alternative to being a single parent, in many cases, would have been to remain in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship with a former partner or spouse, right? That is certainly not the makings for a joyful holiday or a happy home in which to raise your children, if you ask me.

Yes, we have chosen to be single parents – BUT FOR GOOD REASON! And I think it is important, on occasion, to remind ourselves WHY we no longer have spouses to begin with before we RSVP for that holiday pity party:

The top five reasons people get a divorce.
(Source: Divorcemagazine.com)

If any of these scenarios rings a Christmas – rather, a liberty -- bell, then I invite you to CELEBRATE the brave, new world you have discovered as a single parent. After all, if you’re like me, it took you far too long to get here:

1. Infidelity: He’s a cheater, she’s a cheater. Remember how painful that was, to wonder where he was, why she was late, who he was talking to in the back of the house on his cell phone? You and your children were betrayed by someone who didn’t deserve you in the first place. It was difficult to do, but you divorced him or her and you moved on. Isn’t life without a cheater in your home much less crazy now?

2. Communication problems: It never failed, no matter what you said, he took it the wrong way. Sometimes it was as though you were speaking two different languages, which always lead to one big fight. You tried everything you could to get on the same page, even counseling. But in the end, it always came down to one thing: He never understood you, nor you him. Funny thing though, after the divorce, communication improved 100%, especially in matters that concern your children. And that’s what really counts, isn’t it?

3. Incompatibility: He was so sexy in the beginning, and you had GREAT chemistry which resulted in mind-blowing sex – and children. But once all the passion simmered down and you settled into marriage and your respective parenting roles, you realized that you were different on so many levels. You tried to be the person he wanted you to be, but that whole square-peg-in-a-round-hole thing wasn’t working. Now that you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, you’re free to live a more authentic life.

4. Emotional or physical abuse: You always said that if he hit you one more time, it would be the last time. But you stayed for five years beyond that. He continued to hit you and call you names, and worst of all, the children bore witness to it all. One day, you finally mustered the courage to leave because you realized it was the only shot at happiness for you and your children. And you haven’t looked back since.

5. Drug or alcohol addiction: You knew that he smoked pot every now and then, or that she got tipsy on occasion. But what you found out later was that he became addicted to cocaine and blew through the family savings; or that she started drinking in the morning while the kids were at school, and by the time that got home, she was completely bombed and unable to care for them. After years of rehab and relapses, you and your children simply couldn’t take it anymore.


So, about those survival tips . . .

If you’re a single parent, you’ve been through the worst already. You’ve already “survived.” You’re on the other side of that mountain now, the side that offers up beautiful, colorful, panoramic views of life. Unimaginable happiness is possible for you, and it all starts between your ears.

When you find yourself getting sad this Christmas, take a reality check and remind yourself what life was like when you were married to someone who was so wrong for you. In your head, you may think you miss your ex. But what you really miss is the IDEA of having the perfect spouse and the white-picket-fence family. You’re sad because that dream is gone, not because the ex isn’t around anymore.

As for the holiday “survival tips,” it’s really very simple. If you have your children for Christmas, then laugh and love and sing and dance and party and exchange gifts to your heart’s content. If you don’t have your children, do the very same thing with family and friends.

Christmas is just one calendar day out of the year. So what if you don’t have your children on the 25th? When you get them back on the 26th or 27th, have all your Christmas festivities then. The holiday police won’t care.

Every other Christmas, when my daughters are with their father, I recite this soothing mantra: “Christmas is the time to be with the people you love. And the people I love are with someone they love who I don’t love anymore. And that’s OK with me.”

Now please pass the eggnog.

Oh, Cheer Up!

Are you a single parent, like me, who dreads the holidays because you always feel so ALONE?? Well, stop feeling that way. It's time to move past all that ancient history. I've written a great pep talk for you at Singlemindedwomen.com, where I am a contributing editor.
Click here for some holiday cheer.

WHAT Global Warming??

I know for sure that the scientists really did fudge all that data in the global warming study, because when my daughters and I woke up this morning, we got a wonderful surprise. Overnight it had snowed! I know this is no big deal to many of you who live in snow country, but you have to understand that it NEVER snows in this part of Northern California.

Well, not NEVER. But RARELY. In fact, the last time it ever snowed here was back in 1976, when I was in high school. And the time before that was way back in 1888. So, yeah, snow on the ground here is a total fluke.

We were so excited! We made hot chocolate and pulled back the curtains looking out into our backyard so that we could look at the white grass while sucking on our morning cereal. Pretty thrilling for a few transplants from Southern California!

Last week, I dragged my boxed Christmas tree to the backyard to fumigate it. I found a Black Widow spider in it and was worried that she had laid eggs inside some of the branches. This was one blessed birth that I didn't want to celebrate on Christmas morning, especially right there in my living room, so upon the advice of my exterminator, I threw a flea bomb in the box and let it air out for a few days. Then a few more days passed, and then a couple more because I was too lazy to bring the tree in and decorate it. Last night, it snowed on top of the box, so now I have a fake tree with real snow on it, which is usually the opposite of what most people get -- a real tree flocked with that fake, clumpy, sticky white stuff.

This white stuff, my friends, is the REAL thing!

Biting Is The New Hickey

I was perusing my SECOND favorite teen blog, "Radical Parenting" by Vanessa Van Petten, who does an incredible job of discussing topics that are close to a teenager's heart, and I came across a post about "biting."

Have you heard about this? (Click here to read Vanessa's blog.)

My own teen says that she hasn't, so it might be a fairly new trend. Apparently, some teens are biting into each other and leaving bite marks as a token of their affection. It's the modern-day hickey. Personally, I'd rather be gently sucked on than bitten. But hey, I'm just an old, out-of-touch parent. What do I know?

Vanessa doesn't talk about how or why this trend started. But I have my theories. One word: "Twilight." The vampire obsession launched by Stephanie Meyer's book series is literally "taking hold."

I'm hoping this is one trend that the public won't sink its teeth into (pardon the very obvious pun). Seems silly. If my teen came home with bite marks anywhere on her body, I would be more than a little concerned about who she is hanging out with.

Biting, to me, is an act of aggression and violence. Toddlers do it when they're angry or they want another kid's toy; dogs do it to protect their owners or private property; women are taught to do it in self-defense class. When you're bitten, usually you have to go to the ER for a tetanus shot. I have never in my life associated getting bitten with love.

I don't get it!

Would anyone care to explain?

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

I usually don't like chain e-mails -- jokes and videos and inspirational thoughts that have been around the Internet and back a zillion times. But every now and then, I get a jewel, like this one. And a timely jewel it is, too. Happy Mother's Day to every woman who has stretch marks to prove it. Enjoy!


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

National Mom's Nite Out

My blogging partner, Maria Bailey, has been very, very busy for months and months pulling together the first annual National Mom's Nite Out scheduled for TONIGHT, May 7th!



The National Mom’s Nite Out is the first nationally organized celebration of motherhood that will unite more than 150 social media groups, companies, local playgroups, mommy bloggers and mother social networks, physically and virtually, because, as Maria says, moms deserve a night off, too.

The evening will consist of local events held across the country, as well as mom-organized parties and virtual activities. To allow moms everywhere to join in on the fun, mothers will be invited to throw their own mom’s nite out event by downloading party ideas and elements from The National Mom’s Nite Out website. The night of the event moms can join in the fun through online chats, Skype and Twitter tweet-ups.

A big, huge, virtual hug goes out to Maria and her entire team for looking out for us moms and for organizing what is sure to be a highly successful event.

Enjoy yourselves tonight, Ladies! I'll be in the dugout tonight at my tween's softball game, so have a Mamatini for me!

Who Lies More? Parents or Teens?

I have three teens living in my house right now so I think this makes me imminently qualified to share the results of an unscientific study I've been conducting for several years.

The burning question for me through these tumultuous teenage times is why this is the season of parenting when parents start lying.

Mostly to each other.

During the infant and toddler years, we helped each other. We swapped babysitting and recipes. We gave each other tips on the best pediatrician and how much pudding you can legally feed a 3-year-old. We exchanged funny stories about what our darling children said. We celebrated not just birthdays, but milestones, too -- when Johnny slept through the night in his big boy bed, when Susie was potty-trained and what special toy we bribed them with.

Then something changed.

Johnny and Susie weren't so cute anymore. The milestones became scary.

Middle school peer pressure. Study habits changed. Johnny got a D in math. Susie wore too much makeup and was "in love" with a boy you didn't like.

High school brought more milestones. The dreaded driver's license that meant freedom for them and more responsibility -- rather, liability -- for you. And more peer pressure. The dreaded 4 D's…dating, driving, drinking, and drugs.

The playgroups stopped. Healthy snack choices became the least of our worries. And we started retreating and lying to each other.

"Johnny is doing great."

"Susie is so busy at school!"

Lying by omission is still lying -- or that's what I've been trying to teach my kids for all these years.

Sure, there is a privacy issue. Keeping things private in your family and respecting your kids' privacy are important considerations … especially if it puts you, your teen or your family at risk.

But when we lie to each other, we're lying to ourselves.

When we internalize our fears about parenting this next generation and don't share what's going wrong and how to deal with it, we're doing each other a grave disservice.

You know the family who all appear perfect in public. I'm always a little relieved when I find out Ward and June's kids were caught __________ (you fill in the blank).

Well, at least it makes me feel a little better.

It's not a reflection of parenting. It really does take a village.

I absolutely believe we help each other so much by telling each other the truth rather than when we pretend everything is perfect. I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. This parenting gig is the hardest job on the planet and I need all the help I can get.

Let's stop judging each other and start helping each other during this season of parenting teenagers.

Am I the only one who needs to hear the truth?


A BIG thank you goes out to Sherra Humphreys, our guest blogger. Sherra is the mom of four, a speaker and a writer in her "spare" time when she's not keeping track of where the three teenagers are, who is in what car, driver and passenger names, location, departure and arrival time and other annoying details she asks her children daily. You can read more about her trials and joys of being a stupid mother, tried-and-tested teen dating tips and how proud she is of her twin daughters' recent decision at SherraLifeLesson.com.You can also find her at iLashGirls.com

a stupid mother
http://sherralifelesson.com/stupid-mothers-teenagers-country-music
Teen dating tips
http://sherralifelesson.com/little-lesson-7-teenager-dating-tips/
twin daughters recent decision
http://sherralifelesson.com/new-soldier-etiquette/
SherraLifeLessom.com
http://sherralifelesson.com/
iLashGirls.com
http://ilashgirls.com/

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We'll Be Back Next Week!

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

I've neglected you, and I'm sorry. This is moving week for me and I've been busy packing, with not much time for anything else. Look for some fresh posts next week.

Oh, and moms . . . you'll appreciate this. We're surrounded by boxes, and my teen knows we're moving this weekend. Lots to do, and I desperately need her help. So she asks me: "Is it OK if I go shopping with Tania on Saturday and then meet everyone at the beach on Sunday?"

Like I said . . . different planets.

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Three Top Fears Facing Teenagers Today

Image via Wikipedia

We're going to try something new today: a guest blogger! I noticed a lot of other bloggers feature guest bloggers from time to time, and I think it's a great idea to spread the Internet real estate around, invite more voices into the mix. It will make this blog a lot more interesting, I think. So please welcome our first guest blogger EVER, Vanessa Van Petten! She offers a lot of insight into how teenagers think and why they act the way they do:

I have posted about the top 5 things teens worry about, but how about what teens fear? I asked a bunch of my teen friends and groups what they worry about most and summarized them here for you below:

1) Fear of Failing: I know, sometimes we act like we don't care. We act like getting a C on a test is no big deal, but usually this is a cover. We want to succeed and do well just as much as you want us to. We fear failing on an academic level, in our relationships, in our friendships and even on home projects. I think as a teen, our self-esteem and self-confidence are extremely delicate, so when we fail it is a real blow and we cannot recover as quickly as most adults.

2) Fear of Disappointing You: Yup, parents put a lot of pressure on us. Whenever I did badly on tests, I had to not only deal with my own disappointment of not doing well, but then announcing it to my parents and dealing with their anger/ disappointment/ punishment -- it's really rough. We also know that if you do not like our boyfriend/girlfriend, set of friends or art project, we also hear about it. If you do not like something we do, it feels like you do not like a part of us -- and that is something we fear.

3) Fear of Being Misunderstood: I mean this on many levels. Many of the teens I asked, said they feared friends not liking an outfit or the way they looked. They feared someone defacing their Facebook page and having gossip spread at school. They feared their parents over-reacting and freaking out about something they did. I call this fear of being misunderstood because, as teens, everything we do is about experimenting with our image, identity and persona. We want to perfectly portray who we are…yet, we do not even know that ourselves!
I think that parents can address these fears head-on with their kids. Ask them what they fear, bring these fears up -- even if they disagree with my list…at least they are talking to you about a deep subject!

Vanessa Van Petten is the teen author of the parenting book "You're Grounded!" She writes a parenting blog along with 12 other teen writers from the kid's perspective to help parents. Her work as a young family peacemaker have been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, Fox 5, CBS 4 and much more! www.OnTeensToday.com

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Loving Mom Or Litterbug?

Image via Wikipedia

Can we talk about those octuplets? Everyone else is. I know this topic doesn't have anything to do with teens, but it will in 13 years! I'm just a little ahead of my time.

In case you haven't heard, a 35-year-old woman in Whittier, California (that's in Southern California, BTW), just gave birth to EIGHT children! Amazingly, they are all thriving, though still pretty small. I think the smallest one weighs about a pound. The first day the news came out, it was celebratory and joyous: "WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO OCTUPLETS AND THEY'RE ALL HEALTHY!" Then, as the media put this woman under their overnight microscope, they dug up some disparaging facts about her: She's a single mom, no father around, unemployed, on welfare, can't pay her medical bills, lives with her parents, and get this . . . she already has SIX children (two sets of twins included)!

So now this woman, a media darling just a few days ago, is being crucified in public, and everyone has an opinion (including me). A good majority think that this woman has no right to give birth to all those children because she can't even afford to take care of the six she already has. Some are faulting the hospital that assisted her in the fertility treatments. Others think she turned herself into a baby machine to scam and milk the government for public assistance.

And then there's the taxpayer argument. All those good, tax-paying citizens are enraged that they now have to foot the bill for raising these octuplets. Come on! Lame argument. Yes, we pay taxes, but do we REALLY know where our tax dollars are going besides to help bail out billionaire crooks? The government can't even keep track of the $2.7 trillion in taxes it collects every year. Our tax dollars pay for a lot of things: educating our young, repairing potholes, warmongoring and the like. So what if we're buying a few diapers and some formula, too? Spread the wealth, as our new president says!

But the scariest debate I have been following is the one about how there should be some government measures in place to limit the number of children women have based on their economic status. In other words, if you're poor and can't afford to mother even one child, you shouldn't be allowed to have 14.

For the record, I think this woman is NUTS! As a single mother of two children who keep me sprinting all day long, I can't understand why another single mother of SIX children would want to take on EIGHT more! That's just crazy math.

But the point is . . . it's her life. It's her choice. If she wants to have another litter after this one, we have no right to tell her that she can't. That's what's so great about this FREE country that we live in.

And whoever doesn't like our limitless options, can pack their bags and move to China, where, I understand, the government has been known to take a very active role in matters of childbirth.

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Guilty Of Smotherhood!

Image via Wikipedia

When my daughters were born, my maternal instincts snapped into overdrive. As I lay in my hospital bed (on two separate occasions) cradling my newborns who were feeding from my breast for the first time, I swore with all my heart and soul that I would love, protect and care for these precious darlings for the rest of my days.

What WAS I thinking?

There comes a time in every mother’s life, around your first-born’s teen years (not coincidentally), when you suddenly realize you have to stop being such a good mother. As much as you think it’s important to their survival to continue to cook and clean and think for them, you’re really doing these emerging young adults a huge disservice. Somewhere along the way, your babies have to learn to take care of themselves. Fetch their own worms.

Up until recently, I’ve done MOST everything for my teen. (She does her own laundry as of three months ago!) Out of love, yes. But mostly because that’s what good mothers are supposed to do … aren’t we? Now she doesn’t even know how to iron, shame on me.

So I have to play a fast game of catchup. Below, I’ve compiled a list of tasks my teen needs to master in the 36 months I have left with her, before she strikes out into the world on her own; basic skills necessary for her survival out there in a world without mom.

I need to teach my teen how to:

* Iron
* Thread a needle and sew a button
* Cook! We’ll start with the basics – spaghetti
* Clean toilets (it's about time!)
* Plan a meal
* Then grocery-shop
* Moisturize after washing her face
* Balance a checkbook
* Pay bills online
* Bake a cake
* Mop a floor (which could result from the aforementioned task)
* Check the oil level in the car (but not her car. She doesn't have one, nor will she ever!)
* Send thank-you notes
* Compute the gratuity on a restaurant tab (and maybe even pay it??)

What did I miss?? Does anyone want to add anything to the list?