The Candy Witch

Now that Halloween is over, the question remains: What on earth are you going to do with all the candy that your kids brought home? There's no way I'm going to let my daughters eat all that crap! Mostly, though, I have no willpower when it comes to Snickers and if I don't get them out of my sight soon, I will soon be getting a few snickers of my own.

I wanted to tell you about this neat little trick I learned when the girls were younger. Have you heard of the Candy Witch? Yep, she's one of those magical creatures like the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny who no one ever sees, but who leaves happy kids in her wake.

So, when my daughters were younger, they would come home on Halloween night and fish out a few of their favorite pieces of candy, and we would put what was left in their bulging pillowcases on our front porch. Then we'd go to bed. Overnight, the Candy Witch (translation: ME!) would visit our house, take the bag of candy off the porch and leave toys for the girls, instead. It was the PERFECT scam! The kids got new toys and completely forgot about all that candy it cost them. (And I donated their candy to a local shelter, so it was a win-win for everyone.)

One year, I forgot to play the Candy Witch. My now-teen came to me extremely distraught the day after Halloween, upset that we had missed the big exchange. I didn't have any new toys for her and no time to go buy any, either. What else could I do but fess up? I told her there was no such thing as the "Candy Witch."

The minute I said that, I wanted to take it back. She looked like someone had just killed her puppy. She stood speechless for a moment, then I saw this lightbulb turn on in her smart little head and she said, "So, are ANY of those people real??" Meaning, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus.

I gathered my courage and told her "No." And the leprechauns we built traps for in Kindergarten? No such thing, either.

And that's how my oldest little girl lost her innocence.

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25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

I usually don't like chain e-mails -- jokes and videos and inspirational thoughts that have been around the Internet and back a zillion times. But every now and then, I get a jewel, like this one. And a timely jewel it is, too. Happy Mother's Day to every woman who has stretch marks to prove it. Enjoy!


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

What A Dump!

Tomorrow is officially Earth Day. But my teen, tween and I celebrated early. This past Sunday, we had a nice little family outing at the local landfill, Rainbow Disposal. Nothing like the smell of trash decomposing to bring a family closer together, I say.

And given the choice between a day at the beach or a tour of the dump, well, we are anything but predictable.

Of course I want my daughters to be environmentally aware and to care enough about Mother Earth to treat her kindly. We do our part by recycling our water bottles. But the real reason we spent part of our Sunday at the dump was because my tween was offered a bribe by her school: Attend the "Public Awareness Day" at Rainbow Disposal, and earn extra credit in Science. My tween's grade is teetering between a "B" and a "C," so she needed that little push into solid "B" territory.

While I appreciated all the hard work and effort that went into pulling this day together, the come-see-how-we're-spending-your-tax-dollars-so-when-we-increase-your-fees-there-won't-be-an-uproar day, the local dump is not where I wanted to spend part of my weekend. My daughters were even less enthused. Normally an outing such as this would lend itself to a churro and lemonade. But for some reason, none of us had much of an appetite.

So we walked around long enough to grab a souvenir that my tween could give to her teacher to prove that we were there. Then I took a picture of them in front of a pile of trash, which was the highlight of the day. And inside of 10 minutes, we left, gulping for air.

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Ho-Ho-Hold Everything!

Image by Getty Images via Daylife
What the heck is wrong with teenaged girls? Somewhere along the way, they seem to have picked up the message that their primary purpose in life is to look as SEXY as possible. My daughter (who goes to a Catholic school, mind you) is going to a Christmas dance tomorrow at her school. She and a few friends have decided that they are going to dress up as "Santa's little helpers." How cute, I thought. I pictured green tights, curly-toed slippers, a cone-shaped hat -- like what Will Ferrell wore in the movie "Elf."

Um, think again, naive Mom! These girls are actually planning on wearing the sexy Santa costume from Victoria's Secret. (I tried to post a picture of it, but I am woefully lacking in computer skills. Try this link I provided if you want to see what it really looks like.)
http://www.amazon.com/Victorias-Secret-Santa-Costume-Adult/dp/B000YBIT5S

Technically, you can't really call that scrap of clothing between the belly button and the upper thigh a skirt. It's about as wide as a big belt -- Santa's belt. Needless to say, my daughter will NOT be dressing like a two-bit whore for the dance tomorrow night. We compromised. She will be wearing green shorts, white tights and a red tank top. I'm even going to throw in my Santa hat for good measure.

In fact, she'll look more like a real elf than her ho-ho-horribly tacky friends, who will probably spend most of the night doing Santa lap dances and hearing about some very private things the aroused boys at their school want for Christmas.

My question to you is: Would you let your teenage daughter dress like this for a school Christmas dance? You don't really need to respond. I already know the answer!